zwolanerd

Well, folks, that’s that. I didn’t quite take us a full year to get through 26 episodes, so that’s something!  It should also make you quite leery of me trying something more ambitious like Star Trek, Seinfeld, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

While I know the majority of you that followed along were fans of the show before we started, my hope is that these write-ups have encouraged a couple of people to give it a try. I’ve seen the show through several times now (I think at least five, but I’m not entirely sure), and it’s weird what happens when I’m done. I’ll think, “That was fun, I’m glad I did that, but that’s it, I’m done with the show for a long time.” Then in a couple of weeks, I’ll sit down to eat lunch and want something short to watch while I eat, and I’ll think, “Oh, I should watch an episode of Better Off Ted.” And then it starts all over again.  No regrets!

I thought about going through and breaking down the coworkers and commercials and giving a bunch of stats on things that showed up, but I decided to instead consolidate the full list of inventions and ideas that the show had.  Some of these were mentioned in passing, some were purely hypothetical, some were the focus of the whole episode, and some were actually seen in use.  In “The Long and Winding High Road” (S02E09), Linda says, “I’m starting to feel like a Bond villain,” and I can’t think of a better way to introduce the list:

 

S01E01	Metal as hard as steel but can bounce like rubber and is edible
S01E01	A mouse that can withstand temperatures of up to 195 degrees (computer mouse)
S01E01	Weaponized pumpkins
S01E01	Strong, dark (and itchy) fabric – used in office chairs – “The Focus Master”
S01E01	Suspended animation – “We wanna freeze Phil”
S01E02	Extra fun mac and cheese
S01E02	Cowless meat
S01E02	Retinal scan technology
S01E02	Next generation of pepper spray
S01E02	a Cyborg that can kill without remorse (but can’t tell the difference between soldiers and children)
S01E03	Deadly new weapons system
S01E03	Line of diet foods that involves a green putty
S01E04	Automated systems that see every skin tone except black
S01E05	Solar-powered oven
S01E05	Experimental energy patch that looks like a band-aid
S01E05	Pills that look like candy
S01E05	Hands that can shoot lightning
S01E05	A new generation of hurricane-proof dogs
S01E06	A million fish in Lake Michigan grew fur – listed as a mistake, but still a pretty interesting development, I think!
S01E06	Some sort of experiment in which the crash dummy needs to be hit by a train
S01E06	Personal jetpack, which Lem gets to try out and the plot even hinges on
S01E06	The octo-chicken, one of my favorite inventions ever, even if the very thought of it weaving webs and chasing people freaks me out as much as it does Linda
S01E07	Cleaner that kills everything, which is why Veridian isn’t allowed to sell it
S01E08	Taste-Altering Brain Implant – a nanodevice surgically implanted in the braing that makes everything a person eat taste sweet. “Elective brain surgery still tested higher than diet and exercise.”
S01E09	The Voice of God (hypersonic sound, H.S.S.)
S01E09	Dr. Bhamba’s biocomputer (“Johnny”)
S01E10	Fabric softener that will make all the Aborigines in Australia lose their sense of smell
S01E10	Soldier-tracking GPS underwear
S01E10	Wheelchair that climbs stairs that Linda’s cousin uses
S01E10	Turning an innocent panda into an assassin
S01E10	Zurplex, the number the accounting guys invented for tax purposes
S01E10	Perfume that makes 3/5,000 women attract hornets that want to mate with them
S01E10	Something Lem whipped up in the lab to calm himself which causes him to wear sunglasses in the building and say “This is nice. The air feels like Jell-O.”
S01E10	Some sort of pasta sauce that Bhamba takes the fall for
S01E11	7-year battery
S01E11	Hovershoes
S01E11	Weight-loss toothpaste
S01E11	Wrinkle cream that turns out to be hair growth formula that turns out to be technically a parasite
S01E11	Genetically engineered flying koala bear
S01E12	Unbreakable plate
S01E12	Teeth whitener (that would also kill all the world’s fish)
S01E12	Plove, a plate that is also a stove
S01E12	Bioluminescence (granted, they didn’t really invent this, they mixed firefly abilities with other things)
S01E12	Fire-squirrel
S01E13	Image-based search engine – I’m pretty sure Google stole this idea from Veridian
S01E13	Container full of eyes
S01E13	Carnivorous shoes (theoretical)
S02E01	Nutrition pellets
S02E01	Super fast-growing moss for astronauts
S02E02	Super lice
S02E02	Lem’s hearty fish chowder that Veridian sold to the FAA, who uses it to spray down the tarmac when a plane’s coming in for a hard landing
S02E02	Hush-a-boom technology, when your army wants to get in and out without waking the neighbors and one of my favorite Veridian inventions ever
S02E03	Super Long-lasting lightbulbs
S02E03	Scented lightbulbs
S02E03	Helmet that feeds people cheeseburgers (Stella Clifton Idea, but was an actual project that got pulled after it fed one of the test subjects to death)
S02E03	Remote control for underpants (Stella Clifton Idea)
S02E03	Toaster that can handle a pizza bagel
S02E03	Popcorn that pops from the heat in your mouth, which I think would kill more people than a helmet that feeds you?
S02E04	Cheese that never spoils
S02E04	Super-fast spy pigeon (also wireless)
S02E04	Dieoxolater defibulation splung manifold (Lem broke it)
S02E05	Beaker of bald eagle stem cells
S02E06	Veridian Sleep System – if you can stand the noise for three minutes, you’ll sleep like a baby
S02E06	Reindeer potpies
S02E06	Trap door in the lobby
S02E07	New PA system
S02E07	The smallest squirrel science can make
S02E08	Meals-Ready-To-Eat
S02E08	Genital X-ray Project
S02E08	14-foot Soldier (theoretical)
S02E09	Magnetic gear so kids can experience weightlessness: The Floater, The Astro-Nut, The Dream Glider
S02E09	Corpse-eating Battlefield Robot (make sure to wave your hands when you say this)
S02E09	Fat-free cinnamon rolls
S02E10	Multi-language translator device
S02E10	Long-range people-skinning laser
S02E10	Man-eating ficus
S02E10	Talking frying pan
S02E10	Perfectly balanced aerodynamic bagel
S02E11	none!
S02E12	Lie Detector
S02E12	The Galaxy Omega project, which will change the way we communicate with animals
S02E12	A pill that makes people shop
S02E13	Car that runs on saltwater (though Ted’s comments would make me file this one under D for “Dubious”

 

Thanks for watching along with me. I really hope you enjoyed the series and the write-ups.  I’ll have news soon about the next long-term project.

Tags: Better Off Ted, LWST

Written by: Mark