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zwolanerd

I guess I just like liking things

No matter how many times you tell a kid not to draw on books from the library, it doesn’t seem to sink in. But I guess that’s a story for another day. Without further ado, here are another five picture books.

thekissinghand95. The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn

This book was published by a child welfare agency as a story to help kids when they have to be separated from their parents. The mommy raccoon plants a supernatural kiss on the kid raccoon’s paw so that it will glow whenever the kid raccoon misses his mommy. It’s a bit schmaltzy. Peanut liked it okay, but she didn’t really understand the point the book was trying to make. She didn’t request it much, not even the raccoons could draw her in.

I found a little bit of discrepancy as to the true inspiration of this story. On her website, the author states she saw an interaction between two raccoons in a park, but she is quoted in a few news stories as saying the raccoons were on train tracks. Strange. It’s also a bit controversial, as the School Library Journal (who published the list I’m working from) initially gave the book a poor review, saying it was propaganda for the Child Welfare Agency. It has continued to be popular, however, and has resulted in half a dozen or more sequels covering other big topics such as death, moving, and new siblings.

themitten94. The Mitten by Jan Brett

This book is beautifully illustrated, but most of the details would go right over the head of a young listener. There are side panels showing what the boy is doing and what the next animal to burrow into the mitten are, but they are small and not super obvious. The story is also a little ridiculous. Those mittens would have to be very well made for a bear to squeeze in.

I tried looking up the original folk tale this story is based on, but all I found were a couple synopses of other English translations. It appears that Brett’s version is actually the least fantastical, as all the others feature talking animals with names and possibly evening attire. (It wasn’t clear, but I like to imagine a little rabbit hopping about in the snow wearing a tuxedo.) I do think Peanut would have been more interested in a fashionable talking rabbit though.

tractionman93. Traction Man Is Here! by Mini Grey

This book was really cute but it had a lot of visual gags that, again, would be glossed over by the young ones. Peanut did request this book a few times, I think she liked the adventures that Traction Man got up to, even if she didn’t understand the references and jokes. The premise is that a boy is playing with an action figure of a superhero, and using his imagination in a variety of common household environments. So the bathtub becomes an underwater adventure, etc. There are some asides to events happening outside the imaginative play world, but those are hard to insert into the story while reading aloud in a way that isn’t jarring.

There are two other Traction Man books that we could read, maybe when Peanut is a little older. The most interesting side note about this book and author is that the author was born in a car! Grey’s biography is on her website and it’s really cute. I was hoping for some additional information on the creation of the character, but didn’t see any. The website does feature full color previews of her books, which gives an idea of what to expect.

thegardener92. The Gardener by Sarah Stewart

This book was boring for both reader and listener in this case. It’s written as a series of letters from a girl to various addressees. She moves from wherever her parents are to a city with her aunt and uncle to run a store. She ends up growing a garden on the rooftop. That is really pretty much it. Peanut suffered through it two times and never asked for it after that.

I did learn that the book was more of a vehicle for the illustrator’s art, as his wife is the author, and she pretty much only writes books for him to illustrate. The art was beautiful, but it wasn’t enough to hold our attention.

stinkycheeseman91. The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales by Jon Scieszka

This book has a very unique and interesting idea, but the actual story is not so good. It’s a riff on the “updated fairy tale” schtick, but it’s poorly done. (The more I read these updated fairy tales, and the less I think people should bother trying.) The book is “narrated” by Jack (of Jack and the Beanstalk fame), and he has brought a collection of “fairly stupid tales.” I can’t even describe the style choice of the stories, most of them just end. For example, in the “stupid” version of the Frog Prince, the frog is not a prince and so after the princess kisses him, he says “just kidding,” and hops away. And that is the end. Most of the other stories sort of go the same. The Little Red Hen is interspersed throughout the story randomly, but the story isn’t actually told. Peanut liked it enough to request it a few times, but I’m not sure she really made the connection that it was a parody of stories she had previously heard (and she was familiar with most of them).

Apparently my poor opinion of the book isn’t shared, as it won a bunch of awards and was adapted into a stage production. So there’s a play with someone dressed up as a Cheese Man out there.

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You know what comes next! 90-86. Some mischievous characters are coming up!

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California Games II is not, as you may have spotted, the original. This is because the keyboard controls for the original are so terrible that it was mostly me mooshing every key I could find in the hope it would make me not fall off my skateboard.

Not featured in the video is snowboarding, which worked once but then never again (I suspect it works in some graphics modes – the version I got was specially poked to work in Windows instead of Dosbox. This is because the game needs two floppies, and wouldn’t load two of the sections). Snowboarding requires you to fly a helicopter up a mountain before falling down the mountain at speed. The trickiest part is landing the helicopter, which I managed to crash 23 times before even getting close to the helipad. Skill.

This is a game that has not aged as badly as some. It’s still very playable and pretty good fun if that’s what you’re into. I played it in the 1990s, so it’s possible this is nostalgia speaking, but even so it’s still graphically pretty cool. Cornering on the jetski course is still tricky, and I’m not afraid to admit any water balloons I manage to drop on the hang glide course are purely accidental.

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sleepyhollowI saw 71 movies released in 1999, and I might as well admit that I saw Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace four times the year it was released. I kept going with people who hadn’t seen it yet, basically. That’s not much of an excuse, I know, but it’s what happened.

I really tried to get this list down to 10, but I didn’t want to leave off Being John Malkovich and Bowfinger so you get bonus list items today.

12. Being John Malkovich – The scene where John Malkovich goes inside his own head and everyone is him and only says “Malkovich!” over and over is delightfully weird.

11. Bowfinger – Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy (x 2!) in a movie that spoofs both Hollywood and Scientology.

10. American Beauty – A lot of great stuff in this movie, but there’s also that nonsense about the plastic bag blowing around, so I guess it all balances out.

9. Office Space -I’m probably supposed to have this movie higher on the list. I do enjoy it, but I enjoy it as a whole less over time. Some of the lines in it will be forever wonderful, though.

8. The Sixth Sense – I prefer Unbreakable, but this one’s pretty great.

7. Sleepy Hollow – It made a little over $100 million, but I still feel like this Tim Burton movie gets mostly overlooked.

6. 10 Things I Hate About You – How many times have we seen this one in lists of mine? I don’t even know. It’s fun!

5. For Love of the Game – My favorite baseball movie.

4. The Iron Giant – “Soo-per-man” is all it takes for the tears to well up.

3. The Matrix – Come on, you know this is still one of the coolest movies ever made.

2. Toy Story 2 – If the Sarah McLachlan song in this movie doesn’t make you tear up you might be a robot.

1. Galaxy Quest – The best parodies love the thing they’re parodying, and this celebrates and spoofs Star Trek so well that many Star Trek fans include it on their “Best Star Trek Films” lists.

Additional Notes:

  • The Blair Witch Project – I expected a lot more out of this movie, but in the end I wanted them to get eaten.
  • Fight Club – I’m glad I saw this movie, but I can’t muster up more than an extended “mehhhhhh” about it.
  • Girl, Interrupted – I had to cut the list off somewhere, but this one would’ve been next up. Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie? Come on.
  • Man on the Moon – Jim Carrey was fantastic in this movie even though it didn’t make me like Andy Kauffman any better.
  • Wild Wild West – I loved the show it was based on and I generally like Will Smith. This movie made me sad :(
  • Wing Commander – The first two Wing Commander games were so, so awesome. Like, you don’t even know. And a movie based on them could also have been so, so awesome. But it wasn’t.

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leonardnimoy

 

Leonard Nimoy died last week, aged 83. While he was an accomplished actor, director, author, and artist, he is, of course, most famous for playing Spock on Star Trek. It is impossible to write about Leonard Nimoy without writing about Spock, so infused was the character with the man. Much of the Vulcan mythos is based on how Nimoy portrayed Spock, and we wouldn’t have the neck pinch, the hand-sign, or “Live long and prosper” without him.

Spock has always been my favorite character in Star Trek. When I started watching The Original Series in earnest during my high school years, Spock was the cool-headed hero and symbol for those of us who never really felt like we exactly fit in (nevermind that my not fitting in was somewhat related to my love of science fiction…). He was half-human, half-Vulcan, and there were always people on both sides who wouldn’t fully accept him because of it. Nevertheless, Spock excelled at being a Science Officer, a Captain, and a friend. Spock was a very large part of my formative years, therefore Leonard Nimoy was, too.

In his last years, he took to Twitter, offering himself “everyone’s honorary grandpa” and telling us things like “Don’t smoke. I did. Wish I never had.” Most tweets ended with his signature “LLAP,” which confused me the first time I saw it, and caused me to smack my forehead for being too dumb not to recognize “Live Long and Prosper” right away.

I never knew him personally, but he had great impact on me and I have been tearing up all weekend at thoughts of his passing. My thoughts are with his family and friends at this time.

I leave you with two things, both related to Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (a movie I’m not going to be able to watch for a long time, I don’t think). The first is a quote from Dr. McCoy in that movie, talking to Captain Kirk after Spock died saving the crew:

“He’s not really dead. As long as we remember him.”

The second is this clip from the first episode of season eight of Seinfeld. George’s fiancée Susan has died, and Jerry is telling George how he quoted Star Trek II while talking to Susan’s parents. The two of them briefly and succinctly react to Spock’s death in that movie:

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This is what the game looks like. The whole game, aside from options.

This is what the game looks like. The whole game, aside from options.

When you open the game Make It Rain: The Love of Money, you are greeted with a splashscreen that quotes Matthew 6:24 (but leaves off the reference) –

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” (NIV)

The title of the game references the first part of another verse, I Timothy 6:10 –

“For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.” (NIV)

I’m not entirely sure why the game uses these verses, but then again, I’m not entirely sure that this is a “game” so much as it is a means of self-torture.

The screenshot I’ve attached to this post shows you the game board. You have a stack of bills. You swipe that stack of bills from the bottom to the top, which causes the bills to fly off and get added to your total. Once you “earn” enough money, you can buy upgrades that change the bills to higher denominations (each bill in that screenshot is worth $10,000), or allow you to collect money while the app is closed, or let you earn extra money per second whether or not you are “making it rain.”

Every so often, the FBI swoops in, in the form of a wheel of fortune. Spinning that wheel gives you the chance to get off scot-free or lose a bunch of money. You can also pay a bribe and have the whole thing swept under the rug. And, oh, you can buy 5 bribes for 99 cents – actual cents, real-world cents – which is how this free-to-play game intends to make its money.

The real cost to you as a player, however, is pain and suffering. I am not talking about the usual mental pain and anguish games cost, either. This one has caused me actual physical pain in my fingers and wrists. The faster you swipe, the more you get, and every time you buy an upgrade there’s another one that costs exponentially more right behind it. Eight hours after playing for twenty minutes or so (I was absentmindedly swiping while watching an episode of Seinfeld) my wrist is still stiff. I’m sure a bit of that is my age (perhaps there should be a warning for players over 40), but Repetitive Motion and Carpal Tunnel Syndromes are real things no matter a person’s age.

I’m not entirely sure how swiping the money from the bottom of the screen to the top is making you get said money, but when you can buy upgrades like “Insider Trading” and “Buy a Local Judge” (nevermind having the FBI crash your party now and then), there’s clearly something fishy going on. It’s never really explained. My best guess is that the act of swiping (from bottom to top) is analogous to the act of swiping (stealing).

I’ve had to reinstall the game twice. Once because it just stopped working, and again because I upgraded my phone’s OS and the game wouldn’t automatically reinstall. I lost my progress both times and had to start all over again. “Had to?” you ask? Yes. Before it failed the first time I had already earned two achievements. Then I earned 4 more. I needed to reinstall so I could chase down the remaining 14, see.

And now we get to some sort of answer. “The love of money,” the Apostle Paul says, “is a root of all kinds of evil.” Perhaps a love of achievements (another currency that ultimately does a person no good) leads down a similar path? The rest of that verse says this:

“Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.”

The pain in my hands as I type this post is certainly causing me grief, and I have come to understand this game is a twisted satire designed to punish me for wanting to finish it. The splashcreen warning should have been enough and I have no one to blame but myself.

 


 

Download Make It Rain for Windows Phone here, for Android here, and iOS here. If you must.

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