zwolanerd

There was an MMO named Glitch which was open from 2009 until 2012. It was joyful, filled to the brim with whimsy and pure delight to play. I have little hope of any of these things in this movie. The fact that the menu screen is a close up of lady legs has already filled me with a sense of foreboding.

If you’ve seen just about any upbeat movie from the 1980s, you know what the opening music sounds like. Lots of synth, lots of… eighties. There’a a long, shaky aerial shot of a big white house with a pool which is on a cliff overlooking a beach. The legs from the menu screen appear, which seems early. The legs belong to a tanned lady in a bikini, who has decided her bikini top is just too uncomfortable and takes it off. A guy wearing one of those beer hats staggers through some trees in what might be a drunken manner, or he may think he’s a bear. He has a friend, who does not have a beer hat but does have binoculars.

They banter for a bit, none of it makes any sense, and we see that special “binocular vision” effect because the guy is trying to perve on the lady with the uncomfortable bikini top. Sadly, she has her back to them, and pops the top back on before rolling over to face them. The girl is still sunbathing (even though it’s a very cloudy day) as a guy in a purple lounge suit approaches. He’s irate about something, but she’s too busy being a bimbo to worry about it. Oh they’re off to catch a plane. The guy with the binoculars knows they’re off for a holiday because he “checked the computer.” We’ve now established that the big guy in the beer hat is an idiot, and the little guy is a smart.. guy. I was going to say “genius” but felt that might be pushing it.

So it turns out these two guys are burglars, and the computer they have or have access to or something can tell them who has bought expensive things and when those people are going away. This is an amazing computer, especially for 1988.

The bimbo and her man are off to the airport in a shiny red convertible. The bimbo is whining about having to go to Hawaii, life is hard. She doesn’t want to go, but her man explains there’s people coming to the house he wants to avoid. Rather than just popping off to the shops a lot like normal people, he’s going to Hawaii for a week. The bimbo is his secretary as well as his girlfriend, and she’s messed up some audition bookings. Oh no, wacky hijinks!

The two other guys rock up to the gate, and the smart one pulls a stocking over his face as he goes to disable the camera. Which he does after doing a terrible French accent at it in an hilarious bit about shaving cream. Now he can disable the gate security, which is where the camera was pointing. He could have just done that with the stocking on his head, but I guess the other way meant he got to break out his French accent and also let the camera get a good long look at him, stocking or no. Smart guy cracks the security code first time, and they drive in.

The car sets off an alarm, and the Stupid Guy freaks out because he’s stupid, and flings himself out of the car and flails around on the ground. Japes! The alarm winds down and the guys wander around the house, staring into cameras. While they do that, a Mexican guy and an Asian guy drive up to the gate and do some heavy stereotyping. The Mexican guy presses the buzzer on the gate and scares the other two guys.

Using your visual cues, which of these guys is the idiot?

There’s a model helicopter on the coffee table, and Stupid Guy says “Oh, these look bigger in the sky!” El Oh El he’s so stupid. While the guys are checking out the house, the Stereotypes are trying to break in, but sadly they are bumbling fools. Smart guy sends Stupid Guy upstairs and I have to mention that every time Stupid Guy moves there’s a sloshing liquid sound effect because he still has his beer hat on (though the drinks in it are coke). This is irritating.

Stupid guy is edging along the hallway because he’s scared of heights (someone actually wrote this movie you know, they sat down and wrote all this) and the Asian Stereotype is poking around one of the upstairs rooms looking for stuff to steal. There’s an excessively long sequence of the two men on either side of a door, struggling with the door handle, and then Stupid Guy sneezes, which flings the door open and knocks out the Stereotype.

Stupid Guy goes into the room, screams at his reflection in the mirror and then discovers the Stereotype unconscious on the bed. Panicking, he sucks the straw on his beer hat, but the cans are empty which doesn’t explain the dang sloshing noise which is driving me to distraction.

The Mexican Stereotype calls up to the open window and Stupid Guy responds. Mexican Stereotype fails to pick up on the completely different voice and accent, and thinks he’s talking to his sidekick. It’s okay though, because Stupid Guy doesn’t question why his sidekick has suddenly developed a Mexican accent. Smart guy comes in, spots the Asian Stereotype on the bed and panics. After a lot of standing around and panicking, they decide to leave, but first they hide the Asian Stereotype in the cupboard.

The Mexican Stereotype catches them leaving with a bunch of expensive electronics. He has a gun. Stupid Guy pulls the “Look behind you” ploy, which works. He drops a TV on the Stereotype’s foot and then slaps him unconscious. They discuss how this Other Burglars in the House thing is a Glitch, cramming home the movie title.

They decide to leave again, but are attacked by a ninja on the way out. After throwing some nun-chucks and a katana around, the ninja takes off his mask to reveal an ordinary guy. He’s gay, which you can tell because he’s seriously very camp. Also he introduces himself as “Brucie.” He mistakes the Stupid Guy for the home owner and movie maker. Instead of walking away, the guys just accept the idea and Smart Guy starts to pretend to be Lazar, who owns the house. Brucie explains he was hired as a bodyguard because of the impending rush of ladies.

Oh no! That silly secretary set up the auditions for today, not next week! Gosh. What a mix up. The actors will be turning up to audition for “Sex and Violence.” Stupid guy is struggling under the weight of a big TV, but it’s been hollowed out and he’s just doing some terrible acting.

Brucie wanders into the house, and the guys follow. Everyone shows a complete lack of concern about the unconscious Mexican on the floor, but the guys carry him into the wine cellar to hide him for the time being. Brucie finds the Asian Stereotype and drops him down the stairs. He hands the guys some shiny suits and swans off to make some coffee. The Asian Stereotype gets shoved in the wine cellar too. Stupid Guy has removed his stupid hat, which means a happy end to the sloshing noises. Hooray!

The guys decide to leave again, and instead of just walking down the stairs they climb down a bunch of sheets knotted together. There’s a cop waiting for them at the bottom of the rope, but Smart Guy tells him off because he’s now committed to the whole “I am Lazar” thing. The cop believes him, and explains he’d seen the car belonging to the Mexican Stereotype and there is a gang of disgruntled gardeners in the area, so he thought he’d better check it out.

Smart and Stupid go back inside to sit on the sofa and have a think. Smart guy remembers the 100 actresses who are expected to turn up, so they decide to hang out and impersonate Lazar for a while. Smart guy calls someone for catering, while standing in front of a blown up photo of the real Lazar, which I am sure no one will notice. Stupid guy is busy in the kitchen, being amazed by frying pans. He picks one up and smacks himself in the face with it, testing it for face smack ability or something. Oh its for the Stereotypes who are recovering and waking up in the wine cellar. Stupid guy pops in, smacks them both on the head and knocks them out again.

The house is filling with guests. Or actors. People, anyway. There’s $50.00 valet parking, for less than no reason at all. Every single actress has turned up in an expensive red car of some kind. They’re all now either laying around by the pool or marching around the lawn for some reason. A close up of a waistline pans up to show a lovely looking brunette, who is looking thoughtfully at something. As the other women mill around, it becomes apparent that this brunette is a serious actress. For one thing, she didn’t seem to bring a bikini.

Smart guy starts calling the ladies in one at a time for a chat, while Brucie walks around them with a camera. “Nudity is important” says Smart Guy. The actress he’s talking to says “Sure, if I get lines” and off comes the top. Thankfully, the rest of the auditions are in montage, with various women doing terrible acting and taking off bits of clothing on request. Serious Actress is in the garden going over the script and looking uncomfortable. Finally she’s called in and introduces herself as Michelle Wong. “Good thing your sister isn’t here, two Wongs don’t make a right!” says Smart Guy. “We’re not casting Chinatown” he tells her, when she explains her agent sent her and she didn’t want to come.

It turns out Michelle has watched some earlier movies by Lazar. She’s offended, and doesn’t want a role in the new movie. As she storms out, Smart guy calls out to stop her, and tells her she’s wonderful. She leaves anyway.

All the ladies are lined up on the edge of the pool Smart Guy walks out and announces that they will be offering roles soon, but in the meantime the ladies should call all their friends and family for a free party. No one calls anyone, instead we get a montage of breasts and butts as the women frolic in the pool.

Smart guy calls Michelle’s agent using some random made up accent, while Stupid Guy sits in the pool with that beer hat on again. I wish to break it with a hammer. A woman in a tiny pink bikini tries to seduce him, but wanders off when he says he can’t make any deals, she’ll have to talk to Smart Guy. Smart guy is on the phone to Michelle, and having a long conversation where he’s not leaving any gaps for her to actually reply. Even though she was horribly offended and upset by the movies she saw, apparently she’s going to drop by for a chat. Smart Guy is celebrating when the lady in the pink bikini drops in to seduce him. Which she does.

Outside, Brucie has discovered a large man meditating in the garden. He offers his hand and decides they should go steady because the guy has nice hands. The meditating guy has some kind of mind powers, getting Brucie’s date of birth correct, and following it up with Brucie’s social security number. The guy is a psychic and a hypnotist, so Brucie takes him over to meet Stupid Guy. The hypnotist takes Stupid Guy’s hand, says he’s stupid, and leads him away for a chat. “You’re not gay are ya?” says Stupid Guy.

The Hypnotist takes Stupid Guy into a room, and hypnotizes him. There’s a quick clip of a girl taking off her bikini top and then back to the hypnotism. “When you hear this sound,” says the Hypnotist, “Your natural intellect will come back to you.” He clicks his fingers, but at the exact same moment someone knocks on the door. I bet that’s going to cause issues later. Stupid Guy wakes up, and someone knocks on the door which makes him smart. Now that he’s smart, he takes off the beer hat and my heart rejoices. I’ve never felt such loathing for a simple plastic hat in my life, this movie is throwing up all kinds of emotions.

There’s two women outside the door, both of them in bikinis. Stupid Guy who is now smart kisses their hands and is completely polite and gentlemanly. The hypnotist is pretty excited, because that has never worked before.

Smart guy is in the bath with the pink bikini lady, drinking champagne. She’s still got her bikini on because she doesn’t understand how baths work. While he’s telling her how amazing this movie is going to be, a limo pulls into the driveway. It’s clearly raining in this shot. A woman climbs out of the car and is joined by Ted Lange. You remember him from “The Love Boat” and don’t pretend you’ve never watched it because I know you have. A bunch of bikini clad women stroll out of the doors into the rain, and then Stupid guy arrives with two ladies.

Ted introduces himself as an investor and asks to see the producer, but Stupid Guy is all smart now and explains he doesn’t know where Smart Guy is, and then insults the heavies standing around beside the limo, which is always a good move. Stupid guy shows the group to the living room and I have concerns about the woman with them as she’s got that “If I swing my hips any harder I will dislocate one” walk. I’m sure there was a doctor on set, just in case.

As the group wanders around the living room, the Stereotypes emerge from the wine cellar. “It’s an ambush!” shouts Ted Lange, “Get ’em!” Two of the heavies grab a Stereotype each and knock their heads together. Guess what the knocking sound does?

Stupid Guy, who is now stupid again, takes the scary group to the room where Smart Guy is. “I better knock first,” he says, stupidly. He knocks and now he’s smart again. In case you missed this, there’s an actual sound effect. Stupid guy shows the group around the room while we hear Smart Guy having sex in the bath. One of the heavies appears to be wearing eyeliner, this may or may not be explained later.

The pink bikini girl leaves, and Ted explains to the Smart Guy that in his Marines career, the only fun thing was killing people. Once he was out of the Marines, he had two job offers. One was as a technical adviser for military movies, and the other was as a hitman. I’m sure there were other options available, if he’d just looked. Long scene short – the people who invested in an earlier movie as a way of laundering money want their money back. This means they’ve dealt with Lazar before, but apparently don’t remember what he looks like.

Smart guy sends Stupid Guy to get the cheque book, and climbs out the window in the meantime. The ladies are playing frisbee on the lawn beside the buffet. There’s no reason for that shot, unless it’s ladies in bikinis jumping around. Which it is. As Smart Guy edges around the side of the building, a gaggle of ladies who are standing much closer together than they need to be call out and wave because he’s Lazar and they’re all impressed.

His career went thataway

Ted rumbles the plan, dashing out onto the balcony to see Smart Guy crawling along the top of a wall. Smart Guy jumps and his helped up by Brucie who has to be reminded he’s a bodyguard and is sent off to guard Smart Guy’s body. One of the heavies – the one with the eyeliner – punches Brucie in the face, but Brucie is a certified kung fu master, so he’s not hurt. He fights off the three heavies with kung fu. The woman pulls a gun out of her boot, but nothing happens with that.

There’s a long chat between Smart and Stupid guys, but it’s not funny or interesting so I’ll leave it alone. A lot happens in a short time. One of the heavies ends up in the pool, the woman finds another gun and runs upstairs, and Smart Guy falls over on the stairs, landing at Ted’s feet. Ted shoves a gun in Smart Guy’s mouth. “I’m not Lazar!” says Smart Guy “He’s in Hawaii.” Ted is about to let him go when Michelle strides in and tells Ted to stop, because she has business with the producer. “He’s Lazar?” says Ted. Everything is about to go shooty and unpleasant when the model helicopter in the living room is turned on.

While Ted is distracted, Smart Guy grabs Michelle and drags her upstairs. It’s Stupid Guy controlling the helicopter, and as Ted rushes upstairs to look for Smart Guy, the helicopter hovers around him. He runs away and is chased into the yard. He fires his gun at the helicopter which makes loads of bikini clad ladies scream and rush around. Someone calls the police. The helicopter disappears, and Ted stands on a precarious cliff top bench to call it back to fight him. The helicopter reappears, fires a rocket at Ted and then what is clearly a stuntman rolls down the cliff stairs to the beach.

The woman with potential hip issues is still rushing around the house. Brucie finds her, and she throws a sword at him from a handy case full of swords in the hallway. I don’t know what happened to the gun she was clutching before. There’s a sword fight bit. It’s overly long. And yes, Brucie manages to remove bits of the woman’s clothes with the sword. Of course he does. It’s lucky she wore the good undies today.

In the bedroom, Smart Guy and Michelle are chatting. She’s still pretty annoyed at Lazar, which is why she came back to talk to him I suppose. Smart Guy explains that he really isn’t Lazar, pointing to a framed photo of the real Lazar which no one else has looked at ever. Smart Guy explains he’s just an ordinary burglar, and Michelle goes all gooey eyed at him. This is good, because having met her for an entire fifteen minutes, Smart Guy is head over heels in love with Michelle.

“Where’s the real Lazar?” asks Michelle. The answer is “driving home because the plane was cancelled.” He drives down the driveway much too quickly, and encounters a group of women some of whom are actually fully clothed. Michelle and Smart Guy are about to kiss when Stupid Guy rushes in to tell them Lazar is home.

A police car drives in. It’s the officer from before and he demands Lazar freeze. Of course the officer doesn’t believe that Lazar is Lazar because he thinks Smart Guy is Lazar. More wacky hijinks. Lazar tells the cop to get a licence out of his jacket pocket, but the cop finds a condom, so the bimbo secretary is all offended because she’s supposed to be having babies. She storms out. Upon seeing the licence, the cop apologises and explains the situation.

Had you forgotten the Stereotypes? Here they are again, staggering out of the wine cellar. As soon as they see the cop they hold their arms out to be cuffed because being hit in the head and locked in a small dark room has lost its luster.

Dude looks… nothing like a lady.

There’s some more misunderstandings, and then the cop says No, it wasn’t the Mexican Stereotype who claimed to be Lazar, it was a young guy. Smart and Stupid guys need to sneak out inconspicuously while the house is being emptied. So they dress as women. Unconvincing women. As they tiptoe toward the door, Lazar sees them and calls them downstairs. Of course Lazar hits on them. Because otherwise there’d be no joke (and the joke itself isn’t that funny). Lazar gets too touchy on Stupid Guy who breaks character, and Lazar calls for the cop because now he knows these ladies are men.

Lazar is going to have them arrested, but Smart Guy mentions the money laundering, so he tells the cop to take the Stereotypes to the station. For reasons that are not made clear, Stupid Guy has pounced on Lazar and is kissing his neck.

Later, with all the makeup washed off, the guys and Michelle are explaining how hard done by they are because of all the nonsense. The phone rings, and it’s someone telling Lazar he’s on the news. They turn on the TV and luckily the story has only just started. The reporter is reporting on all the lies Smart Guy told about the big budget movie. Lazar thinks he’s ruined, but the others explain than an X-rated movie will be a complete failure, and that’s what Hollywood loves. I don’t get it either.

The movie ends with Lazar driving off to the airport, Smart Guy and Michelle smooching in the pool and Stupid Guy drinking fancy wine on the balcony. Brucie is chopping vegetables, the knocking sound makes Stupid Guy Stupid again and somehow a bunch of fireworks get set off. Credits.

I don’t know what to tell you about this movie. We’ll start with the actual movie part. All of the scenes were too long. All of them. You know how sometimes you watch a movie and there’s a scene that feels like it should have stopped earlier? Every single scene in this movie. Every conversation had too many lines in it too. They could have easily crunched this down to about 45 minutes – tops.

There were a lot of women in this movie, and I have a feeling some of them have gone on to bigger and better things as there were some familiar faces. However, with 90% of the credits listing the character as “Beauty” I haven’t had the mental strength to go through the listings and see who ended up where.

It’s very much another one of those “12 Year Old Boy Fantasy” movies.  The women were all, with the exception of Michelle, bimbos with the inability to keep any clothes on.  Michelle, who had too much integrity to appear in a low budget exploitation movie, came off as a shrill lecturing harpy with no sense of fun. She was also the best actress in the whole thing, everyone else was flat and wooden and terrible. Though Ted Lange wasn’t too bad.

I don’t know. Usually even a Dire DVD has some redeeming feature. Good performances, or clever editing, or a nice bit of script in the middle of all the dross.  This just didn’t. The “humorous”  exchanges between the two main men were obnoxious, predictable or just plain not-funny. The story didn’t really exist in any meaningful way. The whole movie was peppered with racism and sexism.

Sometimes writing these columns I feel like I come across as a bit of an old prude so let me say this – I have no problem with sex comedies, it’s just that in order for a sex comedy to work it needs to have comedy as well as sex. This whole movie feels like a bunch of guys who wanted an excuse to see boobs, so they made a movie. A really, really bad movie.

Tags: Dire DVDs