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“I guess I just like liking things”

April 15, 2013 LWST: Better Off Ted S01E10 – Trust and Consequence

A year ago, Veridian produced a perfume that causes problems for 3 out of every 5,000 women. Specifically, it causes hornets to want to mate with them, and hornets do not take disappointment lightly. When the hornets find out their target is unmateable-with, they sting and sting and sting. Now the team is being depositioned to find out out if any of them knew ahead of time this was going to happen.

Like any good sitcom, it’s fun to take an established group of characters who intermingle well and introduce outside characters to see how those interactions will go. Even better is when those interactions improve or expand on the existing relationships. This episode uses the deposition lawyers to three main ends: more info about the Veronica and Ted tryst; Phil and Lem’s lie-based relationship; and more Ted and Linda relationship stuff;

Before we even get started on these, are the lawyers Veridian lawyers? Or outside lawyers?  I can’t really tell.  I keep thinking the female lawyer is Jenny McCarthy, even on repeated viewings. I love how the show keeps hitting the “everybody loves Ted” theme, and the two best instances here are when Not-Jenny McCarthy goes down the list of potential significant others Ted might give the perfume to and when Gay Lawyer says “Our Ted?!” when Linda says he knew.  These are horrible reductions of the characters, I know, but the show doesn’t give me much else to go on!

Is it weird to anyone else just how much they’ve mentioned this Veronica and Ted thing?  I mean, it’s not that it’s not used to good effect (particularly here, where it ties in to a major issue), it’s just… well, it gets mentioned a lot. If this happened at your workplace, it would be very weird and very awkward and people would probably get fired, right? I mean, Dewey the security guard gets fired, but it isn’t specifically for this, and, frankly, Dewey should probably have gone to jail. This moment seems to be a nexus of sorts for Better Off Ted, one of those fixed moments in time that the Time Lords have to deal with. It keeps Ted and Linda from being together and costs Veridian quite a bit of money (enough to buy several women new faces).

Phil, it comes as no surprise, does not handle stress very well, and confesses during his deposition that he never attended M.I.T. Instead, his alma mater is the University of Aruba, where knowledge is king and clothing is optional. This briefly causes Lem to not trust anything Phil says, since he feels their whole relationship has been a lie. There are some nice moments in this storyline, starting with the wall-climbing exercise that starts the episode – watch the climbing overseer in the background as Phil and Lem are being ridiculous. Does anyone hate their job as much as that guy at that moment? Another interesting (to me!) moment is when Phil and Lem are reconciling over a discussion about the shark special. The standard Good Writing Rule of Thumb is “show rather than tell,” as in “don’t just tell me that this guy is super awesome at juggling cats, let me see him juggle some dang cats!” This episode goes against that grain during the reconciliation, by having Ted voiceover what’s going on, but it works, and I think it even works better than hearing the reconciliation.  Seeing the guys imitate …whatever it is they are imitating is a lot of fun. I personally really like Lem’s delivery of the “I forgive you” line. There’s something very heartfelt and deliberate about it, and maybe I’m projecting, but it really points to the deepness of their friendship, this willingness to work through problems.  That line gives me warm fuzzies.

I don’t know how the show would have handled it if it had gone on longer, but some of the things they do with Ted and Linda are quite neat. At this point, we’ve had them well established as non-dating but still very good friends. There’ve been several moments where they’ve had to work through things and the way they do it speaks to an underlying solid relationship. really, if Linda weren’t prone to bolting when the pressure gets to be too much, she and Ted would probably be a very good couple. Now, them being a good couple wouldn’t necessarily make for the best TV, but we’ll never know, I guess. We find out in this episode that Linda’s been at Veridian for a year now, and the flashbacks reveal that she and Ted have always had good chemistry, even when Linda can’t figure out her own laugh. That they are still good friends a year later, good enough to want to work through issues of trust between them, speaks to  a solid start for them. Honestly, in however many more years, they might be Phil and Lem, only with more kissing.

Bits and Pieces:

  • “I’d leave my name out of it.” – Veronica
  • Veronica’s one-word answers to the deposition questions are one of my two favorite Veronica moments of this episode. “How would you describe your job?” “Cleverly.”
  • Is this the first episode where we hear Phil’s last name?  For some reason, the name “Myman” amuses me.
  • The University of Aruba team’s name was ‘Syphillitic Conquistador” because they wanted a name that would terrify the locals
  • When Linda started at Veridian she was excited to be part of a company that “does all these great things.” Look at her a year later!  Poor Linda.
  • Ted: “Have you met Linda?” Veronica: “Yes, with the laugh.”
  • Veronica stealing Linda’s hairstyle is a fantastic bit of Veronicaness
  • “Oh, settle down.” – Ted to Gay Lawyer
  • “I’m incompetent and a liar, I don’t get a hello?” – Dr. Bhamba, honestly perplexed
  • From the whiteboard: Possible Explanations For The Hornet Attacks:Their pockets were stuffed w/ hornet chow; Beehive hairdos?; Ladies had it coming
  • Phil was rescued by Harrison Ford in Montana and he made Phil bacon for breakfast
  • I loved the flashbacks “It was so long ago…” Phil says, cut to them in 60s garb and Lem saying “Too bad your first day of work had to be during Sixties Week”
  • Phil’s barely noticeable shake of the head when Lem says”Are you kidding?”
  • “My goodness how I love the drugs” – Dr. Bhamba during his first scapegoat news conference
  • “Shut up, junkie” – Veronica to Linda
  • “Why must you always fight me?” Veronica to Ted
  • May 5th, 2008, was the day Linda sent the email and the day Ted and Veronica had sex. Almost five years ago!
  • “Don’t you see what’s happening? We are taking the only person here who has never compromised her ideals and turning her into an ideal compromiser. And I don’t mean an ideal compromiser, one who all the other compromisers look up to.” – Ted, about Linda
  • “I understand context, Ted.” – Veronica, clearly disgusted with Ted
  • Phil: So, I’ve been thinking about our past and how I chummed the waters of our friendship with fish guts of dishonesty
    Lem: And I’ve been thinking about how the shark of my loyalty gorged on the deceitful entrails of your bloody lies.
    Phil: So we both saw that shark special last night.
  • The otter is the jester of the sea, according to both Phil and Lem
  • Lem’s glasses are fake
  • Veronica has security footage of her and Ted, because “If you don’t study your performance, how do you expect to keep your edge?”
  • “I understand, I’m a scapegoat, not an actual goat.” – Linda
  • “The orientation’s over. You’re on your own now.” – Veronica to Ted during sex
  • Angel Junk – Bhamba’s street name

Commercial:

Veridian Dynamics. Mistakes. We all make them. But sometimes mistakes lead to great discoveries. Mistakes are how we learn and grow so we can do amazing things. WHen you think about it, shouldn’t you be thanking us for making mistakes? Veridian Dynamics. We’re sorry. You’re welcome.

Ideas/Inventions mentioned in this episode:

  • Fabric softener that will make all the Aborigines in Australia lose their sense of smell
  • Soldier-tracking GPS underwear
  • Wheelchair that climbs stairs that Linda’s cousin uses
  • Turning an innocent panda into an assassin
  • Zurplex, the number the accounting guys invented for tax purposes
  • Perfume that makes 3/5,000 women attract hornets that want to mate with them
  • Something Lem whipped up in the lab to calm himself which causes him to wear sunglasses in the building and say “This is nice. The air feels like Jell-O.”
  • Some sort of pasta sauce that Bhamba takes the fall for

Coworkers named/seen:

  • Maybe the deposition lawyers?  I can’t tell.
  • Dewey the pervy security guard

Next week: S01E11 – Father, Can You Hair Me

 

 

 

 

 

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April 12, 2013 tGIF

Listen: I’m not stupid. I know you guys like cat gifs. My insane theory is: maybe some times give people what they want. Besides, I sort of mentioned yesterday that I might do it, and then it seemed like a good idea.

There is no better caption I can give this one

There is no better caption I can give this one

Doris, you gotta chill out

Doris, you gotta chill out

 

Oh, man, I gotta check that out!

Oh, man, I gotta check that out!

Bonus non-cat GIFs!

I wish Captain Picard made faces like this in every episode

I wish Captain Picard made faces like this in every episode

 

If they aren't listening to Prince then this GIF is wasted.

If they aren’t listening to Prince then this GIF is wasted.

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April 11, 2013 Wonderfalls S01E04: Wound Up Penguin

SUMMARY

Jaye decides to get away from her singing muses to grab a beer at the Barrel. While Eric and Jaye are talking, they hear a noise and find a woman living in the bar, who flees when spotted. As Eric and Jaye go through her things, a Wound Up Penguin tells her to “Bring her back!” They get a lead at the train station from a janitor, who tells them about a man dressed in black. He shows up at Wonderfalls with a Missing Person flyer with this woman’s picture on it. Eric calls the number and they go to the hotel to spy on him. Overhearing an argument, Eric busts into the hotel room and is embarrassed to discover that she is Sister Katrina and he is Father Scofield, and he is trying to convince her to return to the convent. Eric and Jaye bring Katrina to the Barrel, where Katrina tells them that she had a crisis of faith and isn’t sure she believes in God. The penguin says “Bring her back to him!” and Jaye interprets that to mean the capital-H-Him. After Jaye tells her about the muses, she decides to do an exorcism. After she accosts Jaye in her trailer to perform it, police show up at just the right moment on an unrelated matter. After witnessing Jaye have a conversation with the Wax Lion that causes Father Scofield to find out that he fathered a child, Katrina considers it a miracle and it restores her faith in God. She willingly returns to the convent, and Father Scofield decides to stay and build a relationship with his daughter.

The last episode was Jaye-centric, but this one really shines a spotlight on Eric, and where he is emotionally since the infidelity of his wife and abandonment of his former life. The parallel that is drawn between Katrina and Eric is not so subtle, although Father Scofield brings some interesting points to light during their “forced” encounter. (I loved how the men’s room served as an inpromptu confessional. When Father Scofield mentions it, it all clicked into place and I loved that little joke from the writers.) The difference between Katrina and Eric, of course, is that there was an actual event that shook trust for Eric, not only suspicion. It would be hard for Eric to go back to his old life with the knowledge he has of who his wife really is. But addressing that the decision isn’t so black and white was a very realistic portrayal. It’s easy for someone on the outside to say that he should just forget her and move on, but he needs to deal with his guilt at doing so. Up until now, Heidi was a big part of his life, and in order to move on, he needs to be able to let go of all of it.

Sparks begin to fly.

Sparks begin to fly.

I told you that faith and God would come back into the picture at some point, and here it is. The show doesn’t take a stance one way or the other whether God exists. The Tylers are (mostly) practicing Presbyterians. I can empathize with Katrina’s pain over her disbelief, over her sadness over not being able to believe in something. Jaye admits that she “believes in” the muses, that while they haven’t explained to her where they come from, she’s more or less convinced that she is doing good when she follows their suggestions. Aaron’s point of view is a little harder to comprehend in his few scenes. He becomes animated when discussing religion, so it is obviously of great interest to him, especially since he has pursued multiple degrees on the topic. I suppose someone could be offended by the portrayal of religion in this episode, but I don’t offend easily and I felt that both Sister Katrina and Father Scofield were fairly representative of how people of faith could react in this situation.

We see just about all of the muses in this episode, although most of the lines are courtesy of the Wound Up Penguin. The Wax Lion, the Karma Chameleon, and the Brass Monkey are among those singing to Jaye in the opening sequence. The Barrel Bear also lives on Jaye’s table. The Wax Lion is the one who asks her to break the taillight. I know it’s just convenience as a plot device, but I thought it was strange that she would bring the lion around in her car. Just in case he has some brilliant insight for her? I suppose she’s accepted that the muses are a part of her life now, but her willingness to cart them around has always bothered me a little.

TRIVIA & REFERENCES

  • “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” is a popular North American folk song.
  • Jaye says that she won’t “drink the Kool-Aid” which is a reference to the Jonestown Massacre, where just under 1000 people died by cyanide poisoning. The victims actually drank a combination of Flavor-Aid and Kool-Aid, although both were equally lethal.
  • As he’s locking up the bar and Jaye runs up, Eric says “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here!” As far as I can tell, the first usage of this line, in this context, is from the song “Closing Time” by Semisonic.
  • The phrase “quiet as a mouse” is referenced, but unfortunately I could not find any information about how it originated.
  • The train station used was Union Station in Toronto, and did not have any wooden benches. They brought one in for the scene because the station only had mesh chairs.
  • The janitor remarks that if “Johnny Cash had been born an Irish man, his music would have been more lilting.” Johnny Cash was a country performer who died in 2003, and nicknamed “The Man in Black” for his attire choice.
  • Jaye turns “Agnes of God” into a verb to express that she is concerned that Sister Katrina was molested. It is the title of a play (and film) where a novice nun is molested and impregnated.
  • Karen reprimands Aaron for eating food directly out of a food storage contrainer, saying that Tupperware isn’t an eating vessel. I’m not an expert, but that does not look like Tupperware brand, so it appears to be a case of trademark erosion or genericism.
  • Right before Jaye tells Katrina about the muses, she asks for the Cone of Silence. This is a reference to the 1960s TV show Get Smart.
  • Sister Katrina snarks that her “other” leg plays Ave Maria when pulled, when she thinks that Jaye is trying to trick her. Ave Maria is a Latin text set to music by Gounod, who repurposed Bach’s Prelude No. 1 in C major, in 1853.
  • This episode was the last filmed, so consequently we never see the Wound Up Penguin again.

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April 11, 2013 The End of Bones

She was in Spider-Man 2, you know.

She was in Spider-Man 2, you know.

I’m not one for procedurals. I’ve seen fewer than three episodes of Law & Order, and maybe 10 or so episodes of CSI. When my wife and I were dating, she introduced me to Bones and we started watching through the series on DVD until we finally caught up to the broadcast episodes. It’s appointment TV for us, even if it is slightly delayed because if we wait fifteen minutes, we can fast forward through the commercials and still be done at the normal time. We love the characters and the relationships, and that’s what keeps us coming back in spite of the gory, gory bodies that show up. I mean, dang, dudes – every season has been a “how can we top last season, gore-wise?”

The show was recently renewed for a ninth season, so it’ll be around at least one more year. I’m okay with that as long as they don’t do anything dumb, like split up Bones and Booth, because I would seriously get frothing mad over that, which means they’ll probably do that because TV writers hate me and are constantly doing things like that to me. I don’t know what I ever did to them, but the whole business with Jim & Pam on The Office this season is just more proof.

ANYWAY

TV shows don’t last forever, so it’s only a matter of time before Bones closes up shop, I know. A discussion on Twitter yesterday got me thinking about an end to it that I would love to see, even though it will never happen and I would be the only one that would ever love it. So, in lieu of it ever being filmed, I thought I’d present it here. I don’t know how to write scripts, so I just did it this way.

The Last Few Minutes of the Last Episode of Bones

Booth pulls into his driveway and wearily exits his SUV. The last several months have been the most taxing he has ever faced in his years with the FBI. A run-in with the serial killer the squints had dubbed “Cruento” had left Bones in a coma, and their daughter Christine was missing. Seeley was exhausted, terrified, heartbroken, and furious. His only thought as he enters the house is to get some sleep so he can get back on the case.

The camera follows Booth into the darkened house. Someone hits him over the head with a club, and he crumples face-forward to the floor. Fade to black.

Fade in. Booth is tied to a chair, slumped over, a black bag over his head. He struggles to no avail.

Female voice: Oh, good, you’re awake.

As she talks, she circles Booth, but we don’t see her face.

Booth [yelling]: Who are you? What do you want? I am going to —

FV: Shhhhhhh. Hush now. Everything’s going to be okay now. I’ve finally found you.

Booth: What are you talking about? Who are you?

FV: You don’t recognize my voice? Hmph. Well, it has been a long time, I guess. You’ll remember me soon enough.

She pulls a chair over in front of him and sits down, we still don’t see her face. Slowly, almost lovingly, she pulls the black bag off Booth’s face. He squints and angrily searches her face.

Booth: I – who are you? I’ve never seen you before in my life!

FV: Oh, lover, that’s not true! We go back a long way. A long, long way.

Booth: You’re crazy! I don’t know who you are! If you have Christine, I’ll —

FV: You really don’t remember me? What have they done to you?! It doesn’t matter – I’m here to fix this. I’ve been working towards it for months.

The camera pulls back and we see Booth’s chair is in the center of a circle filled with mystical symbols drawn in blood. Booth sees the symbols for the first time. We still do not see FV’s face.

Booth: What is this? What are you doing?

FV [taking his face in her hands]: They thought they were helping you, curing you – HA! But look what it’s done to you! You’ve aged so much. If I left you like this, you’d die!

Booth is completely flummoxed now, speechless

FV: All these years, living among them, still trying to help them even when you don’t know who you really are. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Have you enjoyed your days in the sun? I looked for so long for a way to make you right again, working for months to collect what I needed…

The camera pans around the room, and it becomes clear by the items collected that FV is Cruento. The camera continues its pan back to Booth, and then slowly starts to turn towards Cruento during the following:

Cruento: …and now there’s just one more thing left to do. Soon you’ll have your memories back and be by my side and we will be together forever… Angelus.

The camera reveals Darla’s face the second before she says his name, then she vamps out and lunges towards his neck.

FADE TO BLACK

———-

ALTERNATE ADDITIONAL ENDING:

Cut to door slamming open.

Buffy [stake in hand]: How many times do you have to die before it finally takes?

Darla snarls and leaps for Buffy.

FADE TO BLACK.

———-

Notes:

  • Cruento is the Big Bad for the whole season leading up to this, a serial killer with no evident patterns other than the method of killing: completely draining the victim of blood before skinning them and leaving the body surrounded by mystical undecipherable (by the Jeffersonian team, anyway – Giles would have it in two seconds) symbols
  • A little dark for Bones, yes?
  • This ending completely ignores Buffy Season 8 and any of the Angel comic books as well. Deal with it!

 

So I guess I’m writing fanfiction now?  I didn’t mean to, it just got spurred by the Twitter conversation, a love for the Buffyverse, and and extreme appreciation for the ending of Newhart. I’m sorry about all this. Come back tomorrow and things should be back to normal. Maybe I’ll have some cat gifs or something.

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April 10, 2013 Evil Dead

If I replaced one of my hands with a chainsaw I still wouldn't be anywhere near as cool as this.

If I replaced one of my hands with a chainsaw I still wouldn’t be anywhere near as cool as this.

This past weekend, a friend and I went to see the new Evil Dead movie, mostly because Bruce Campbell is pretty much daring people to do so. While I think it’s a neat turn of events that the people who made the original are supporting/producing the remake/reboot, I really need to stick with my gut on these decisions.

It’s time I faced facts: I don’t like horror movies any more.

It shouldn’t surprise me, really. I was never that big into them to start with. Sure, I was really into the Nightmare on Elm Street series for a long time, but Freddy… I don’t know. Were people ever afraid of Freddy after the first movie?  People  not in the movie, I mean. And, really, when you’re talking Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers, you’re only scratching the surface of a very deep well of horror, most of which is so so far removed from the Big Three there that it would surprise you, and not in fun jump-back-from-the-mirror ways.

Really, there’s scary, there’s gory, and there’s gross. The scariest movie I’ve ever seen is Alien, but I’m classifying “scary” differently from “instilling dread,” which movies like We Need to Talk About Kevin do. It’s a “monsters or aliens” versus “actual humans” thing for me. I’m not likely to run into a xenomorph any time soon, but every person I meet on a daily basis could be Norman Bates.  I don’t mean that in the cynical sense where I believe everyone is a psychopath, of course, it’s just that you wouldn’t necessarily know if that person in the IKEA with you was one by sight alone. Xenomorphs you can totally tell by looking, especially under the lighting at IKEA.

Seeing this new Evil Dead movie (classification: gory and gross) this weekend made me consider the previous entries, as you would expect it to. And I have to be honest: I don’t really like the first two, and I never really did. I appreciate them because of their place in nerd history, and really enjoy reading about how the first one was made and about The Raimi brothers and Bruce being buddies for so long, and of course Bruce himself is all kinds of awesome – I just don’t like the actual movies. Now, I love Army of Darkness. But it traded gore for humor, so I’m pretty sure that’s why. I speculate that most people who remember the Evil Dead movies fondly are actually remembering Army of Darkness fondly and the first two just sort of attach themselves to the memories. Yes, Evil Dead 2 has moments of humor, but Army of Darkness goes full-on — which is why horror fans don’t like it as well as Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2. I’d guess most of them would like the newest entry.

I haven’t even talked about the torture horror stuff like Saw and Hostel, because, man, do I need to?  I’ll admit to seeing the first Saw movie and being intrigued by it, but that was mostly due to Cary Elwes being in it. I’ve had zero interest in seeing any of the followups, but I have read the synopsis…es? of them. No thanks. And no thanks to Hostel or any of the rest of them.

I will admit to enjoying Cabin in the Woods thoroughly, though. Like, unbelievably so. The things it had to say about the horror genre were equal parts interesting and awesome, and I firmly believe it changes every horror movie ever, both before and after it, and that’s all I’ll say about it because I don’t want to ruin anything for you.  That said, I have a friend who hated it, like passionately. And I will also admit that my second viewing of it wasn’t as enjoyable.  I was able to catch more details and appreciate some things more, but didn’t enjoy it as much overall as I had the first time, which just kinda blew me away, really.

I won’t go so far as to say I’m completely done with every horror movie ever, but I’m probably 98% done. i don’t know what it would take for me to want to see another one, but I’ll let you know if it happens. I did watch Bela Lugosi’s Dracula (1931) not too long ago, and I thought that was pretty sweet.

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