zwolanerd

First, a confession. For many years in my early teens I was completely besotted with Corey Feldman. Completely. We were going to get married, I just knew it. I had a little article clipped out of a magazine which listed all his movies (pre-internet and pre-IMDB) and I checked them off as I watched them. This list was carefully pasted into a scrapbook. Yes, I kept a Corey Feldman Scrapbook. We were meant for each other.

One of my favourite Corey movies was “Dream A Little Dream” even though I found the Michael Jackson dancing bit in the middle to be vaguely embarrassing to watch. I still enjoy this movie today. I did know there was a sequel, but never hunted it down. Today it landed in my hand, and so I present to you this week’s Dire DVD – “Dream a Little Dream 2.” Made 6 years after the first one, this mid-1990s movie lands us firmly in the difficult period for the two Coreys. No longer teen heart throb material, but unable to move on to more adult roles due to being so well known as teen actors, and a double act. Sad, but true. Let’s get this movie going.

A guy is on the phone, taking down an address. He hangs up as a woman walks in, asking if he got the address. She’s so pleased he got the address that she leaps on him. They’re making out, and she demands “You know what,” which is apparently a condom. She’s a grown woman, she should be able to say condom. While the chap is in the bathroom, the door knob rattles so the woman grabs the address and climbs out the window. A gunman bursts in and shoots the chap in the bathroom, thus proving once and for all that the black character will die first. Poor guy didn’t even make the three minute mark. The gunman runs to the window and looks out as a car passes. Because of his ESP, he knows the woman is in this car and he’s pretty sad about it.

As he’s leaving, he finds the notebook that had the address in it. Thankfully, the guy who did the writing pressed really hard so the address is clear as a bell on the next page. The gunman giggles, then kisses the page. The titles roll. Distressingly, the theme music is performed by Corey F. He can’t sing. I know he can’t sing because I own one of his CDs (shut up).

Corey H is in jail, in black and white because it’s probably a dream sequence. He turns from the bars to see a biker looking guy meditating on his bed. He calls the guy Coleman and Coleman tells him to “Share his vision.” Corey H screams and wakes up. His violent waking up does nothing to disturb Corey F, who slumbers away on a second single bed in the same room. In colour, Corey H has dyed red hair and a weirdly coloured tan.

In the kitchen, the Coreys are having breakfast along with a lady. Corey H is explaining that Coleman was trying to communicate with him, but Corey F reminds him that Coleman is dead. Coleman was in the first movie, for those who didn’t see it. He was an elderly man and not a biker, but okay. While the Coreys argue, the lady is reading a feminist book and making notes. This is Rachel. She’s dressed in a pinstriped vest and has glasses, establishing her as the smart-nerdy-yet-beautiful type.

I can’t lie, I had a shirt like this in 1995

Corey F’s character (Bobby) has evolved from an outcast weird high school student into a money driven neat-freak, while Corey H’s character (Dinger) has turned into a New Age type with interesting taste in shirts. Corey H mentions he went to see his psychic the day before, and Rachel is really annoyed because he owes rent. He gets out of this by “Love Bombing” her, which is basically a bear hug with neck kisses. Corey F looks on with a smile. Corey H explains that the monetary system confines him and Rachel asks him to explain this to the landlord. Corey F (who as you remember is a business man now) offers to pay for Corey H’s rent as long as Corey H stops talking about Coleman.

We cut to Corey H at work, which is a shop called “Condomania.” It sells condoms. That’s the whole thing the shop does. Meanwhile, Corey F is also at work. He also works in a shop, so that was unexpected. It’s a shop that sells sunglasses. The 90s are screaming at me. They are screaming at me in shades. Corey H dashes in as Corey F is having a discussion with the manager. The manager is kind of a jerk and Corey H is being hilarious (not really) about this. Corey H had to come in to tell Corey F that there’s a package at the house from Cleveland (which is where the first movie was set. They really are assuming you’ve seen it). There’s discussion about the potential of what’s in the parcel, which I just don’t want to go into.

Since I’m assuming you haven’t seen the first movie, you should know that in that, Corey F ended up body swapped with an old guy who was into metaphysical stuff and other things and whatnots. So that’s the Coleman who was all spooky and weird and a bit magical. With me? Okay let’s go on.

Anyway, the Coreys go back to the house and open the package, which contains two pairs of sunglasses with frosted blue lenses. While Corey F reads the letter and realises the glasses are from Coleman, Corey H puts on a pair and goes a bit weird about how amazing everything looks. He kicks a half empty coke can, splashing cola on Corey F who loses his ever lovin’ mind. The cola also got on the letter, so Corey H rubs it with his sleeve, destroying it. All that can be read is “Dear Bobby and Dinger [destroyed bit] Be Careful, Love Coleman”. Oh no, how ominous! Or… not. Or something. This movie is too long already. To calm Corey F down, because he really has gone a bit cross, Corey H puts the other pair of glasses on him and everything goes all zen and nice. Just before putting on the glasses, Corey F said that Corey H needed to clean his side of the room sometimes to prevent cola related issues. Now that the glasses are on, Corey H slowly starts to fold jeans as though in a trance.

Later, as Rachel gets home, Corey H is vacuuming. Corey F explains that the glasses can make people do what you want them to, so he picked up on that otherwise mysterious plot point really quickly. Who cleans and entire house while keeping their sunglasses on? Corey H, that’s who! Rachel asks to try Corey F’s glasses and as soon as she puts them on, Corey H rushes off to find the rent money which he was saving for tickets to a rally.

At least he got it out of the way early

Rachel makes the boys swap glasses, but Corey F is worried they’ll make him do something stupid. Aaaand there’s the Michael Jackson impression dance thing. It’s no less embarrassing to watch this time around. Actually it’s more embarrassing because this time around he’s also singing. I fast forward because I remember when Corey F had dignity.

The trio sits around looking at the glasses in the box, while Corey H explains the premise again in case you were out getting coffee or something. One pair controls the person wearing the other pair. Both pairs are identical, so I don’t know how you know which pair you’re putting on until you do it. They discuss it further, because it’s not what people are thinking about that makes the other person act, it’s what they want deep down inside. Which means Corey H has been wanting a Michael Jackson impression deep, deep in his heart. Corey H is a little weird.

Corey F has had enough of this nonsense and goes to bed. Were you hoping for a dream sequence? You’re lucky, here it is. The lady from before, with the address and the now dead boyfriend? You remember. Anyway, she’s standing over Corey F with a pair of handcuffs and a big coat on. She’s wearing the sunglasses, and handcuffing Corey F to the bed. He wakes up and looks baffled because he hasn’t even met that character yet. Glancing over at Corey H, he sees that Corey H is also dreaming, and I bet this one is also in black and white with a bunch of jump cuts because that’s how dreams are in this movie. He’s dreaming about the same woman, but instead of the condom shop, she’s in the glasses shop where Corey H doesn’t even work. That crazy dream world.

The next morning, the boys are discussing their dreams. I’m sure it’s an interesting conversation but I am entirely distracted by Corey H’s hair which is standing on end now. The end result of the conversation is that Coleman is sending the pair their dream girls because they are currently living without love. Rachel is sitting on the bench eating cereal even through there’s plenty of room at the table. She can’t be Corey H’s impending girlfriend because she’s his sister, but she’ll probably hook up with Corey F at some point. Corey F wants to take the glasses to work so his boss can look at them (no idea why), but Corey H would rather just believe. Coleman is looking out for them. From the Other Side. Just believe, man.

At the end of the day, Corey F is returning home. On the porch sits the woman from the dream. Oh my gosh! Her name is Lina Drago (yes it is). She says she knew Coleman and has come to see Corey F to talk. The first thing Corey F tells her is that he dreamed about her, and now he feels like he’s crazy. Small talk is not his strong point.  Lina explains that she and Coleman were working together on ESP. She spots the glasses box which is empty. Since she can’t just grab the glasses and run, she goes for the seduction technique which, of course, works like a charm. She calls it one of Coleman’s Experiments, so they need the glasses. Sadly Corey F left them at work. It’s all good though, Lina goes ahead and handcuffs him to the bed just like in his dream. While he’s blindfolded, she takes his keys and leaves. Corey F thinks she’s shut the door, and rambles on about how he thought she only wanted the glasses and not him. Which is right, she’s driving off now. At speed and without checking her mirrors. Some people.

As Lina drives off, another car pulls in. It’s the gunman, and he’s all happy at having found the address. It took them both a couple of days, so I don’t know what’s up with that. He rings the doorbell, but of course Corey F is handcuffed to the bed and can’t come to the door. Thinking the place is empty, the guy picks the lock in .3 of a second and goes inside. He scuffles about a bit and then drops something, so Corey F calls for Lina thinking it’s her crashing about in the living room. The guy goes into the bedroom and presses his gun against Corey F’s head, demanding to know where the glasses are. There’s banter, but it’s not worth repeating. Make up your own. Corey F asks to be freed in exchange for the information, but he’s not the one with the gun, so instead he just tells the guy that they’re at the glasses shop. Which is called “Sly Glasses.” This is a terrible name for a shop, but better than Condomania.

Speaking of Condomania, Corey H is closing up shop when he spots his dream girl (Lina) trying to open the door to the Glasses shop. She can’t do locks, so Corey H helps because he’s helpful and because she says she knows the owner. Corey H is pretty gullible. There appears to be no alarm system. Corey H gets right to the point with the flirting and the charm. For some reason the glasses are locked in a display case in the sale area. Lina asks Corey H if he has the key, and then he looks at the keys in his hand and realises they’re Corey F’s keys. He turns to leave and run away, but Lina has a gun, so that stops him.

With Corey H locked in the store room, Lina opens the display case, setting off the alarm that does exist now. She grabs a plastic bag and shoves glasses into it because she doesn’t know which pairs she needs and that explains the display case thing, so at least one loose end is wrapped up nicely. She takes about half the glasses, which seems lazy. What if the Magic Glasses were on the top shelf? Lina sucks at this!

Rachel returns home and is shouted at by Corey F who thinks she’s either Lina or the guy with the gun. She goes into the bedroom but backs out embarrassed thinking she’s stumbled upon a sexy moment. Corey F is entirely alone in the room, so I’m not going to over think that. He calls her back in. She takes the blindfold off him, and laughs. He wants the cuffs undone but I don’t know that Lina left the key. We’ll find out later.

The police have arrived at the glasses shop just as Corey H bursts out of the store room. The guy with the gun has also arrived, and watches as Corey H is loaded into the police car. Rachel and Corey F arrive at the jail to talk to Corey H. I guess Lina did leave the key to the handcuffs as Corey F is not dragging the bed with him or anything. The Coreys chat and realise they both dreamed about the same girl. Corey F is concerned about the sunglasses that Lina stole from the shop, but not so much concerned about the Magic Glasses. Corey H is concerned about the Magic Glasses because if they fall into the wrong hands then bad stuff will happen. Like “Dream a Little Dream 3.” He tells Corey F that Coleman will tell them where the glasses are if he dreams it. Because of the title. Keep up.

You thought I was making this bit up, didn’t you?

Corey F thinks this is nonsense, but still will try it if Rachel would stop making so much noise. Desperate, he swigs from a bottle of whiskey and enters a dream sequence. Biker Coleman is there again, telling Corey F to look into his heart. Then there’s a preacher with a ruffled shirt and Elvis hair style, and then Corey F is talking about Moses while wearing a very 1980s jacket. The preacher tells Corey F to follow the yellow brick road, which is an alleyway. Someone sat down and wrote this, you know.

The next morning, Rachel finds Corey F on the bathroom floor because somehow after falling asleep he then went on to finish the booze. He tries to make sense of his dream as a way of finding the glasses, but you’ve just read the dream so good luck everyone. They decide the alley way is the key, and set off to find it. It can’t be too hard, there’s only like four alleys in the whole of California, right?

Rachel wants to go with Corey F, but he won’t let her because it’s dangerous and she only knows about reading and also ladies aren’t good at things. She has his keys though, so we’ll skip the bickering and just go to the next bit. They head out to the car, watched by the guy who had the gun. He follows them as they drive around looking for alley ways. There’s more bickering about not bruising the vinyl in the car and how they don’t get along but I’m distracted by Corey F never looking at the road. This is a movie pet peeve and I’m cross. At least he notices they’re being followed, which means he’s checked his mirror. He does some fast driving around corners to try and lose the guy, telling Rachel that while she was wasting her life with books, he was learning driving skills from TV. Banter banter banter.

They manage to lose the guy when another car comes out really slowly into the road, forcing the Gun Guy (I don’t know who he is, okay?) to swerve a lot for no apparent reason. There’s no wall of cardboard boxes though, so that’s disappointing. Corey F hides the car in an alley way and would anyone like to take a guess about the alley way there? Yep, it’s the one from the dream. The Elvis Preacher is there even, because nothing says “I’m preaching!” like doing it in a dead alley way. Maybe they have to level up before they can go to the busier streets.

Guess what the preacher is wearing. Go on, have a guess. No, not antlers (where are you even from?) – it’s a pair of magic sunglasses! He has the plastic bag with the other stolen glasses at his feet. The preacher says God gave him the glasses, so Corey F launches into his preaching from the dream, which he remembers word for word.  The preacher is impressed and gives him the glasses (for whatever reason I’m thinking of Tales Of Monkey Island right about now). Corey F asks where the glasses came from, and the Preacher tells him to follow the yellow brick road, which turns out to be a yellow trash chute over a dumpster. This is attached to a hotel, so Corey F and Rachel go looking for Lina inside.

Corey F tries to get the clerk to tell him if Lina is there by pretending to be a private detective and handing over a bribe, but the clerk pockets the money and says he’s never heard of Lina. Rachel snickers because Corey F has been picking on her feminism and it turns out men aren’t so smart. When the clerk leaves the desk, Corey F rushes to the counter and steals the register, hiding under the desk with it. There’s a useful curtain covering the under desk space. When the clerk returns, he looks everywhere for the register except for under the desk. A customer asks for her key and oh my gosh it’s totally Lina. Corey F hears her voice and knows it’s her. He spots that the clerk takes key 913. Once Lina leaves, the clerk returns to his search so Rachel creates a distraction by tripping over a sign. The register is returned, Corey F escapes etc and so forth. They make for the elevator. (I want to say “lift” but I’m translating here.)

There’s a notice that the 6th floor is under renovation, so Corey F leads Rachel off the elevator there because he needs a place to think about his plan of attack. Whatever. He’s thinking about how to get into the room when Rachel spots a cleaner’s closet which has master keys for all the floors. This is convenient, and also lets Rachel have a little “Women are smart too!” moment. Adorbs.

They head up to Lina’s room and knock on the door. There’s no answer, which is kind of strange as Lina just went up there. Letting themselves in with the master key, Corey F and Rachel rummage about in the room looking for the Magic Glasses. They also manage to get some more “Men vs Women” bickering in, but then the door is unlocked so they dive under the bed. Lina walks in with an Italian Stereotype who wants to buy the glasses. Lina hands him a pair and also has a pair, so I guess the Preacher was wearing an identical pair that wasn’t magical. If you’re going to make magical glasses, you should make them look different to ordinary glasses. That is my opinion, if anyone was wondering. I deal with the big issues.

Lina has put on the control pair of glasses, so when the Stereotype puts on the other pair he discusses the colours he can see while dropping his pants. Lina tells him to take his glasses off and he’s all shocked to see he’s not wearing pants. This is exactly how the glasses didn’t work before. The Stereotype offers $5 million for the glasses and Lina is all thrilled. He asks Lina to switch glasses with him and they have noisy sex, while Corey F and Rachel are stuck under the bed.

Remember Corey H? He’s still in prison, sleeping and dreaming that Corey F is about to shoot Rachel on a rooftop while the Gun Guy from before is egging him on. At the sound of the gunshot, Corey H wakes up to see a new prisoner being brought in. It’s the biker guy he’s been dreaming about. Corey H tells the guy he’s been dreaming about him, and the biker is really unimpressed. Corey H asks him to help with a channeling ESP thing to call on Corey F. The biker guy agrees to help, if Corey H smokes a cigarette. Corey H is all “I can’t because I’m so healthy” but there’s no option, the biker demands he smoke. This is making no sense at all. At. All. The next scene is Corey H and the biker back to back on the floor, meditating. The biker starts talking about knowing your heart and your will, and Corey H is excited because it means he’s channeling Coleman. Sure, why not.

Back in the hotel room, Corey F and Rachel are still under the bed while Lina and the Stereotype are sleeping. Corey F has also fallen asleep which lets us have another dream sequence – this one is of Corey H and the Biker in jail, meditating. This jumps to the other dream, with the shooting Rachel bit. Rachel wakes him up to tell him that Lina and the Stereotype are in the shower with the glasses. They hatch a cunning plan, popping Rachel into a maid uniform. Corey F is going to climb from the fire escape to the room window but it’s too high and he’s scared of heights. Rachel makes him go out there, which he does with a lot of shouting and screaming which probably won’t alert anyone to them being there. As he edges along the side of the building he chats to himself, which is also helpful when trying to remain hidden.

Rachel practices her accents in the hallway because only Spanish people work in hotels. Meanwhile, Corey F has slipped and grabbed a rail, screaming. Again, undercover secret. Rachel lets herself into the room, but Lina speaks Spanish and sends her away. Rachael doesn’t speak Spanish so there’s a comedy moment for you, if you were looking for one. While she’s arguing with Lina about languages, Corey F climbs in the window and picks up the glasses. As soon as he leaves, Rachel goes back to her usual voice and bids Lina a good day.

They rush back to the car, but the Gun Guy is in the back seat. They don’t see him because it’s a convertible, and are surprised when he pulls a gun on them. He leads them up to the 9th floor and they tell him which room Lina is in. The gun guy makes Corey F use the master key, but he pretend to drop it so he can elbow the guy in the groin because he’s all tough now. Rachel and Corey F rush down the hallway while the Gun Guy rolls around in pain. They take the stairs, because that’s slower and gives the gun guy the chance to take the elevator down and meet them from the bottom. They flee to the fire escape and Corey F is totally okay this time, climbing up the ladders without a bother. They decide to climb around the wall again, but Corey F has remembered he’s scared of heights and can’t move. A gunshot from below sends him out on the wall, where he’s a nice big flat target. Thankfully Gun Guy is a lousy shot.

Finding an open window, they climb in. It’s Lina’s room and as soon as she sees them she looks for the glasses, which aren’t there. So now Corey F and Rachel are being chased down by Gun Guy and Lina. They hide out on the 6th floor, which Gun Guy figures out because of his ESP (or shoddy script writing). He finds them within about 9 seconds, but then can’t find them inside the room. They’re in the bathroom. As Gun Guy creeps toward them, Corey F brains him with a can of paint. Then they hide in a laundry cart, but talk at normal volume. These two don’t really understand “Hiding.”

Just as Gun Guy sits up again, Lina knocks him out. She does some glaring and then we’re in the laundry cart again, which someone is pushing. At least they’re whispering this time. When the cart stops, Corey F sticks his head out from under the sheets and sees Lina pointing a gun at him. “Ride’s over,” she says because Witty One Liner. Well, one liner anyway. Corey F hands over the glasses, or a pair like them, and Lina handcuffs them both to a bed. Corey F says something snarky and Lina fake-punches him and knocks him out. Yay, dream sequence! More Corey H and Biker meditating, back to the roof with the shooting Rachel thing and Corey H saying “Look into your heart.” Corey F comes to with Rachel being all concerned about him because they’re probably in love now. I’m right, they kiss. For ages. A couple of workmen wander in and spot them. The workmen kindly cut the cuffs off. The workmen don’t have lines, just chewing gum.

There’s only 15 minutes before the Stereotype comes back with the money, so Corey F and Rachel go up to the room. Gun Guy wakes up again. If he’s been having prophetic dreams, he’s keeping them to himself. The workmen hear him fall over or something.

On the roof, the Stereotype and Lina are making the trade. Corey F appears to tell him he has the real glasses and the pair Lina has are fakes. “He’s lying!” says Lina, but Corey F runs down and knocks the glasses out of her hands, mixing up the pairs. They each grab a pair of glasses from the ground and put them on. How can we ever know what pair ended up where? Apart from how they apparently make you see special colours. Oh and the controlling people thing.

Lina looks around and says “Right, the only thing to do is stand perfectly still until the police get here” because she’s ended up with the controlled glasses and Corey F has the controlling glasses. Lucky! While the Stereotype is being annoyed, Gun Guy bursts out of the door and takes Corey F’s glasses. Holding a gun to Rachel’s head, he tells Corey F to put on the other pair, and now it’s just like the dream with the shooting Rachel and laughing and stuff. In case we forgot, the scene cuts between this live scene and the dream sequence.

It’s okay though, because Corey H and the biker are still meditating. Gun Guy tells Corey F he’s going to shoot all the people and then himself. I still don’t know who Gun Guy is, other than a guy with a gun. Except he doesn’t have a gun at the moment, because he’s given it to Corey F, who could therefore probably take off the glasses and stop the controlling. You know, if he wanted to.

“It’s okay, we made it. This movie is almost over”

Gun Guy wanders over to stand next to Rachel, while Corey H’s chanting fills the soundtrack “Know your heart, know your will.” This is helpful, stops Corey F from shooting Rachel and leads him to shoot Gun Guy in the leg instead. Slow motion Corey F/Rachel Hug.

Back to the jail, Corey H is educating the Biker on new age stuff. A guard arrives to let Corey H out because the charges have been dropped. Back at the house, they are discussing the glasses and what to do them. Corey F says that since Coleman wanted them to use the glasses to communicate better with each other, there was no need to keep them. He smashes them and dumps them in the bin. “As for communicating with Coleman,” he says, “We always have our dreams.” Corey F delivers this line as though it has caused him actual pain. More kissing, roll credits.

I’m afraid my reaction to this movie can be summed up thusly: LOL WUT? Sorry, won’t happen again. So these magical glasses, to get to the crux of the plot issues. At the start of the movie they make people do what the other person desires deep down inside. Person A has always wanted Person B to behave a certain way, so the glasses make Person B behave that way even if Person A isn’t really thinking about them behaving that way at the time. With me? Good. Then for no reason at all, they swapped to “Do what I tell you, or what I’m thinking about.”  Also all of a sudden the person being controlled has no memory of being controlled, except then they do again.

Who was Lina? How did she know about the glasses at all? Who was the Gun Guy? How did he know about the glasses at all? Why would Coleman, who it was proven in the first movie was pretty handy with the paranormal stuff, choose sunglasses for this? Why? Won’t someone please tell me why?

The dream sequences just became comical by the end (well, something had to because the script sure wasn’t – burn on you whoever-wrote-this!). The Coreys were just randomly being knocked out or falling asleep in order to cram another dream into the plot – this is entirely due to the movie title. If someone had decided to reunite the two Coreys in “Licence to Drive 2” there would have been lines like “I don’t know if I can walk, we better drive.” Since they went with this though, they had to have a ton of dreams.

There’s not even that many dreams in the first movie, although the body switcheroo is dream based. I know, I have to let the first movie go. I can’t, I really like it. While we’re on the first movie, I’m not sure why Corey F’s character turned into a misogynistic jerk. Unless it was to create some tension with Rachel to make their eventual smooching more… smoochy?

As terrible as this movie was (and it was terrible), I think I’ll keep my Corey Scrapbook. I’ll just pretend I never, ever saw Dream a Little Dream 2 if that’s okay with you.

Tags: Dire DVDs

Hello! Have you missed me? Of course you have (no need to comment to the contrary). Today’s movie is a classic of Sci-Fi excellence – “Def-Con 4.” Apparently, Defense Condition 4 is “Increased intelligence watch and strengthened security measures.” Since this movie takes place two months after a nuclear holocaust, perhaps “Def-Con 1” would have been more appropriate, as that is for nuclear war. Actually, “Def-con -1” because the thing has already happened. Maybe I’m over thinking this. Let’s go shall we?

The movie opens with a classic white text on black letting us know that the Ultimate Nuclear Defense System has been perfected, and global conflict is unthinkable. Having read the back of the DVD case I know this is very wrong, but I’ll let them say it. Can’t blame the guy who did the graphics for mis-information now can we?

The future is pastel

The opening credits play under music which sounds like someone is vomiting into a trombone. A tiny cheap model hanging off fishing line swings by the surface of the Earth, and the wife of someone who is apparently on the tiny model is trying to figure out where her husband is. Secret base in the North Pole? Submarine? No one may know the truth of the fishing line model because of reasons. A graphic helpfully explains that this is the Nemesis Mission, and it’s day 407. Considering just moments ago we were assured that Global Peace was now a thing, naming a mission “Nemesis” seems a bit pessimistic. The voice belongs to a lady on a video tape, who is sterlingly 80s. She’s all troubled, her husband could be dead for all she knows. She’s decided to live as though her husband is dead, because that’s easier to deal with than not knowing where or how he is. So sad. In an over-reaction sort of way. The “transmission window” ends and the video is cut off. Howe, the husband of the woman who thinks he’s dead, looks anguished.

The inside of the ship basically looks like a shed with loads of tinfoil wrapped around some of the walls. Walker is having his health checked by Jordan while watching some army based pornography. They’ve also figured out fake gravity at some point. Although personal tapes can’t be transmitted without a time based window, porn can and also the news, where a serious lady with 80s hair is explaining that that the world is in a bit of a conflict state. Russia and the US are basically hauling nuclear weapons all over the place. Global Peace guys! Global Peace!

The following day, everyone is gathered around the teeny TV to watch a remarkably angry looking man explain that yep there were missiles everywhere but no one should worry. The news cuts off as a super important message appears on the screen. “War 2” says the message “This is not a drill.” Everyone dashes around a bit, and they drag Walker out of his bunk. Walker gets on with the job, arming the missiles loaded on the tiny flimsy space shuttle. Howe tries to reach for the switches, but can’t because he’s too upset about the whole war thing. He tells Walker to hold off while he checks the monitors. Conveniently, a warhead explodes right in the range of the cameras. Before deciding to launch, Howe checks the “Earth signals” which means TV. As he flicks through the channels, they go off air. One of the images is a small girl picking up something in a park, how moving. Giggling girls, and a woman washing her neck also go off air. Why these were being broadcast in the first place is not explained.

Howe is freaking out about his kid, but Walker says, without a hint of emotion “Your family is fine, they’re in a remote area. Mine are in Seattle, and I just saw Seattle go.” Jordan asks to see Detroit, and on cue a bomb blasts on the screen. As a missile heads for the station, they launch their own missiles and stuff happens. Explody stuff, mostly.

Day 451. A data feed on the screen projects human survival rates over 42 days. Australia is at 4.1% so I’m mildly offended. South America is getting out of this the best, with a possible 25% of the population surviving. They decide that when they try to land, they’ll land in South America. Walker asks Howe why he keeps listening to the air waves, and Howe explains that his wife has a transmitter she can use to contact him. Which is why she was sending him tapes instead of just talking to him.

All these switches need to be flipped every 18 seconds

Day 456. The crew are sitting around the control station, flicking switches. Howe gets a transmission in his ear piece and freaks out, flicking a lot of switches. It’s his wife! Hooray! She’s crying, a lot of people in the area are blind and now they’re all diseased from the radiation. She’s broadcasting into space to say goodbye. The baby died, the army shot it because of the disease. The transmission crackles out of range.

Walker says the radiation is incredibly high, and Howe says yes it is, so they’re going back to Earth now. He needs to help his wife. Walker tells him his wife is dead and Howe launches at him all angry and punchy. Walker, however, is a big strong manly man to Howe’s nerdy frame, and subdues him easily. Jordan supports Howe and says they need to go back and see if they can help. Howe is happy, that’s 2 against 1 and they can go back. Walker gets all shouty because he is the captain and I suddenly realise why he’s been so broody. It’s because he can’t do any sort of acting unless it’s just scowling around the place.

Everyone’s all snuggly in their bunks when the computers sound an alert. An over-ride has been issued and the crew is to be returned to Earth. Walker blames Howe but he promises he didn’t do it. They jettison the remaining missiles to prepare for re-entry while their little pod detaches from the main ship. Missile 11 is stuck in the launch bay though so that might be a teeny issue later. Who knows? Howe sets it to go off in 60 hours, by which time he figures they’ll be clear of the pod. There’s a lot of camera shaking stuff as the pod plummets to earth and a big camera wibble as they land. Jordan is flung from her chair which was apparently held to the floor with double sided sticky tape. Howe leaps over the rest of the rubble in the pod (this is what happens when you contract the lowest bidder to build your space crafts). Howe can’t find a pulse, but Walker can because he’s a manly man.

Howe and Walker try the door, but it’s firmly buried in sand. They tuck Jordan up in her bunk and start to dig their way out. Howe goes all whiny and Walker offers to dig, but as he moves to the door there’s a knock from the outside. This revitalises him, and although they’d spent hours digging and getting no where, Howe is now able to tunnel out within minutes. He pushes his hand out into the air and it’s grabbed and pulled which makes him panic.

Walker dives in to help him and gets grabbed for his troubles, and dragged out through the sand. There’s a scream from outside, and then Walker’s hand is thrown back down through the door. Howe closes off the door and stares at the wall, looking troubled. He settles down to make a recording for the unconscious Jordan, telling her not to let anyone in. Knowing there’s things outside that will kill people, Howe crawls out of the pod.

Howe wanders the night in a barren sandy landscape until he comes across a group of people who are cooking Walker over a fire. They chase him, giggling, through the woods. Howe triggers a tripwire, which causes a tree trunk loaded with knives to fall on him. Thankfully, he has time to turn onto his back, and the knives miss him – landing on each side of his neck. Also all this night footage is clearly day footage they’ve darkened.

Some guy with a gun wanders up and stares at him. Howe freaks out, he really does go high pitched in a crises. He screams that the pod has 4 months worth of food on it. The guy with the gun also has a kilt. The next shot is of him carrying a blindfolded Howe around, and leading him into a shack. They eat some sludge from saucepans. Howe can’t finish his, so the Kilt Guy throws it into a hatch in the floor. A woman’s voice whispers “Thanks” because he’s keeping someone down there. Probably to eat later.

Kilt Guy offers a deal on the food. He’ll take the food, and in return he won’t kill Howe. It feels like a pretty good deal. Kilt Guy is supposed to be sort of hard core wilderness survival type, but he’s more like Parking Garage Clerk. In a kilt. He explains that by letting Howe live, and leave, Howe will die anyway because the kids will kill him. This thought cheers up Kilt Guy, who almost cracks a smile.

They’re still discussing the deal when a mine is exploded outside. Kilt Guy ties Howe to a chair and rushes out to see what’s going on. As he rushes off into the woods, a girl climbs out from under the door. She ignores Howe, and instead finds a jar of food which she settles down to eat. She’s in a school uniform, but is about 30. Howe asks her to untie him but she declines. Howe says he has real strawberries to trade for his freedom. This pod must be like a supermarket. I would have thought freeze dried beef or something. I would be wrong.

School girl knows where there’s a sail boat, which fits Howe’s plans exactly. He’s going to sail to South America, even though he doesn’t really know where he is at the moment. A man with a (slightly dodgy) plan! The girl unties Howe and grabs some of the guns hanging on the wall. “Okay Captain Walker” she says “Let’s go!” Howe isn’t Walker, as we know. Walker is being digested at this point, but before Howe has time to question this, Kilt Guy is back and he’s pretty unimpressed with the whole escaping thing. He’s also had time for a wash. He tells them to put the guns down, and they do because… no reason I can think of. This guy is holding them hostage, they have guns. It’s not complicated math.

Kilt Guy slips an arm around the girl and gives her a kiss. He shoves her toward the hatch in the floor and she sighs and climbs in. So, just let me state again, he’s keeping her as some kind of sex slave, she had a gun in her hand.  Kilt Guy tells Howe to get outside because he doesn’t want to mess up the floor with guts. This at least makes sense. Howe reminds him of the food, but Kilt Guy doesn’t care any more. Howe says they have marijuana too, but Kilt Guy hates dope and hates people who smoke it. I’d say Howe has no chance of survival at this point, but there’s still just under an hour of movie to go so he’ll probably be okay for a bit.

“You won’t find the food!” screams Howe, “She won’t let you in!”. Kilt Guy is not interested in the food, but he is interested in ladies and he goes all weird about the idea of another lady to keep in his basement. He offers Howe a knife and freedom for most of the food, and Jordan. Howe is pretty okay with this.

Kilt Guy loads the mature age student and Howe into the scoop of a reinforced digger, and drives off into the woods. The music goes all jangly and there’s a flash of a face with blue make up and blood all over it. Well, paint. The road is blocked by branches, and Kilt Guy warns Howe and the girl that there’s Terminals about. The digger, which also has a drill (how long has it been since the bombs went off? Kilt Guy must have worked his butt off to get all this built) rolls over the branches, but the Terminals land on the roof and there’s some exciting green screen action as they’re shot. The digger has guns. One of them is knocked off the roof by a branch and Kilt Guy throws the digger into reverse and backs up to run him over. The digger has no back window, but Kilt Guy is looking over his shoulder anyway. At the wall.

They make it to the beach but Howe isn’t sure if it’s the right beach. Kilt Guy sends the girl, who I can now refer to as JJ, to go up a hill and have a look around. He keeps her on the end of a rope though, in case she has any escapey thoughts. She vanishes over the hill, and the rope moves slightly and Kilt Guy freaks out. He turns around to see a smug guy in a military uniform standing there all smug. Turns out Kilt Guy is named Vinny, but I’m sticking with Kilt Guy because we’ve come this far together And he’s wearing a kilt. The smug guy has a weasily little voice and leather driving gloves. Kilt Guy is shocked to see him. He throws a handful of sand at the guy, climbs into the digger and drives off, leaving Howe and JJ to their fate with a bunch of military types.

The digger, which moments ago ran over some massive tree trunks without a bother, is completely stopped by a wall of sand and branches, and the military types chain it into place. The smug guy climbs up and drops a grenade in through he windscreen. Kilt Guy freaks and climbs out to be captured by the military guys. Smug guy retrieves the grenade, which was a fake. That tricksy guy!

Smug Chap has a sort of chariot, which Howe, JJ and Kilt Guy are tied alongside to jog along like prisoners. Oh, they are prisoners. Night falls, and we see the compound the military types have set up, along with captured people who are chained up in gangs to work for the Smug guy. They’re hauling in the pod as Smug guy arrives with our merry band of misfits. One of the military types is stranding on the carriage they’re using to haul the pod, cracking a whip and screaming his little face off. One of the slaves is too old to be doing this, and slacks off. He gets shot in the belly for his efforts. There’s a close up of the missile, did you forget about that? It’s got 34 hours left on the timer. Gosh, I wonder what will happen.

The settlement is basically piles of junk, but they’ve had the foresight to grab some red curtains for a little brothel. It’s a muddy, messy chaos of tents, sheds and fires in barrels. I know a bunch of bombs went off, but surely there’s a town or something people could use to live in, instead of wallowing in the mire. That’s just me though, I’m picky about my mud and chaos.

Everyone stares at Howe, JJ and Kilt Guy as they’re lead through the town. Except for those three guys scrabbling for potatoes that have fallen out of a sack. Oh, and the guy hanging by the neck up on a watch post, he’s not so bothered either. This is a seriously long sequence. I suppose once they’d built the shanty town thing they figured they might as well show it all. Slowly. For what feels like hours.

Gideon may or may not be wearing lipgloss

Eventually, they come to a a proper building, with electricity and everything. A guy is sitting with his feet on the desk, reading and listening to classical music. Smug Guy pushes Howe inside and tells him to sit down. There’s a bench with a row of neck clamps. Luckily there’s three neck clamps, which matches exactly to the number of new prisoners. Hooray! The clamps are huge, and Howe has a skinny head so he could probably slip out of his if he shuffled down a bit. The guy at the table wants to know how the winds are blowing Patagonia. He has the voice of a 12 year old boy which makes me laugh, but he’s doing some serious acting now so I suppose I should stop giggling eventually. He’s planning to escape to Patagonia, but needs to know if the winds are favourable for the radiation and whatnot. Howe is unable to answer, being too blown away by the fact that this guy knows his name.

Kilt Guy and JJ are shoved into the room. The commander chap (Gideon, by the way. They haven’t said it yet, but it’s on the case) with the little boy voice is pleased to see JJ who he has missed. Gideon orders Smug Guy (Why don’t these people use their names the minute they appear on screen??) to settle JJ and Kilt Guy in with Jordan, leaving Howe still sitting around in his neck brace thing.

Gideon unlocks Howe, and explains that the shanty town has about two months before everyone is contaminated. He apologises for Walker’s death, explaining that the Terminals got him. Smug guy rushes in to say they found “it” and the commander says “Welp, don’t need you any more Howe, go be in prison and stuff.” He’s lead out by a small group of military people, the one with a gun has never held a gun before in his life.

Howe is dropped into a cage from the roof, landing on a well rotted body. A close up reveals the body is made of plaster and wax. The thing that Smug Guy found is part of the pod, a small black box with “Delta S-16” written on it. I’d like to pause for a moment here and say this pod – which has a huge control panel, four bunks and four months supply of food in it, is tiny. It’s a TARDIS, clearly. That should make for an amusing plot twist later on.

Smug Guy (who is named Lacy. No lie) gets to work removing the black box, and we get a close up of the missile which we’re not allowed to forget about. There’s 32 and a half hours until detonation. The team who crawled all over the pod looking for the Delta thingy missed this, I guess.

Everyone’s in the cage box, plus a random old lady. Jordan looks mildly annoyed. The others are on the other side of a wall from Howe, but JJ is singing and he hears them. Within seconds, he makes a huge hole in the metal wall with a key. Stronger than he looks, this one. Jordan is all pleased, and then all annoyed again. JJ explains that the old lady is locked up for stealing peaches. It’s a world gone mad.

Gideon sounds like a teenager because he is one, he’s JJ’s ex boyfriend. Howe is understandably baffled as to why some kid is in control of so many people. Gideon’s dad was in the Navy, and somehow that made Howe land in the right place – look this is all nonsense and all I can think about is how neat JJ’s make up is for a girl who has been living in a basement for weeks. Gideon controls everything, even though he’s a kid. Just.. accept this and let’s get this thing finished.

There’s a guy who is amazing with computers and weapons and stuff – he’s the one who sent up the program to send the pod to Earth. His name is Boomer and he’s paralysed because the helicopter he was in to escape all the bombs crashed (killing Gideon’s parents, who were also on the chopper. JJ and Gideon and Smug Guy survived. I don’t know either, don’t over think it). Gideon has him strapped to a board so he can be sat up. Gideon is, as it happens, a bit of a jerk.

Boomer doesn’t like Gideon, but Gideon knows he can get his own way by barbecuing a slab of meat on a handy little barbecue. Boomer is covered in his own drool, having been kept strapped to a board for weeks. Gideon wants to know where the survival stations are, and Boomer can find out. Boomer on the other hand would rather be shot because he’s pretty miserable living his life strapped to a board. Gideon promises to kill him, if he helps them find the survival stations. Boomer caves, and tells Gideon the password to the whatever the thing is. The password works, and Boomer stares at the steak as co-ordinates appear on the screen. For some reason, they appear to the sound of typing, like there’s a dude in a case somewhere who’s having to manually send the information. Gideon smiles, picks up the steak and holds it right in Boomer’s face before dropping it in the mud. “You’d better go down for it” says Gideon, releasing the straps and dropping Boomer to the floor.

Gideon is back in his office, with JJ in a neck clamp. He releases her and washes her face with a damp cloth. He explains to her that he has the co-ordinates for a survival station, and she’ll be coming with him. She’s not thrilled and refuses to go. Gideon has her sent back to the cage box and tells his crew there’ll be a trial in the morning.

The next morning (after a quick shot of the missile, remember that?) the population of the town are all milling around a set of gallows, which come with a hooded hangman. Limited food and other resources, but someone found time to whip up a hangman hood. Smug Guy wanders along the line of prisoners, all of whom are tied and gagged with what appears to be tin foil. He has a whip, but the sound guy doesn’t understand whip noises, so the noises happen even when he’s not whipping anyone. Gideon appears to preside over the trial, in a natty black robe.

Gideon accuses Howe and Jordan of Crimes Against Humanity for their part in the war. The crowd finds them guilty, possibly because there’s a bunch of guys with guns pointed at them but it might be because they believe it, who knows in this wacky post nuclear world? JJ is accused of Treason, Kilt Guy is found guilty of general naughtiness. With all the prisoners found guilty, Gideon sends them out to be hung.

The crowd is chanting for blood as Gideon and Smug Guy take their seats in front of the gallows. Boomer is dragging himself along the ground. The hangmen (there’s two, both hooded if you were wondering) fasten the nooses around the various necks. There’s a drum roll, and just as the hangman is about to pull the lever, Gideon stops proceedings. He pardons JJ, on condition that she pulls the lever to hang the others. JJ spits at him, but he isn’t good at hints. He offers the others a chance at freedom if they pull the lever. The crowd goes nuts, so no one notices Boomer hauling himself around.

Howe looks thoughtful, and then steps forward to indicate he’ll pull the lever. Gideon tells Howe has has to pull the lever when the drums stop, and if he doesn’t he’ll be shot but since the guys with guns are holding them like they’re bananas instead of guns, he’ll be okay. The drums start, the prisoners look sad. Howe looks scared. More drums. Howe smiles and a shot rings out. Boomer has managed to pull himself up to a platform and has shot Gideon. Boomer is shot, and there’s a kerfuffle as everyone panics. Howe escapes into the woods.

Smug guy grabs Jordan from the gallows because she’s a doctor. She says she’ll only help if the others are released too. Gideon, who has been shot in the leg, realises his time is running out and agrees. Jordan, having saved them, adds a second condition – no hangings. Gideon is now a scared young chap so he agrees.

With his leg patched up, he resumes his arrogance and explains that he’d like to take Jordan with him to the safe bunker zone thing, but there’s no room. He also says that while he promised not to hang JJ and Kilt Guy, he didn’t promise not to shoot them. Then he asks for another shot of painkiller, which feels like a mistake. Jordan says she’s only got morphine which is too strong. Gideon insists. Jordan picks up the morphine bottle, but then changes her mind and does a quick change, filling a syringe with something else. Gideon rumbles her, having Smug Guy hold her down while he injects her. He checks the bottle, somehow knowing which one it was. Potassium. So there’s that.

Howe has found his way to Kilt Guy’s bunker, disarming booby traps on the way. He grabs some guns and also some popcorn. Back at the town, JJ is screaming for Gideon to come talk to her, but the peach stealing old lady says there’s no point, they’re all going to die. JJ says she won’t because she just won’t.

Howe has found the boat. How he found it I don’t know. There’s a couple of soldiers on the boat, so he points the gun at them and screams about getting in the water. They very slowly pick up their guns and after like a minute Howe manages to shoot them.

There’s 12 hours left on the timer as JJ is taken to see Gideon. He’s packing a satchel with bits of weapon, and JJ is about to open her blouse in an attempt to seduce her way onto the boat when she sees Jordan’s body slumped in the corner. JJ goes ahead with the plan, smooching up to Gideon who points a gun at her, but lets her take it off him.

Kilt Guy is taken out of the cage box place and pressed against a wall. A firing squad lines up in front of him. Kilt Guy begs for his life, and as they’re about to fire, Howe turns up in the digger, blasting all the guns and taking out the firing squad but not Kilt Guy, who magically was not hit with a single bullet. Howe jumps back into the digger and takes down some walls, freeing the slaves. Kilt hands out a bunch of guns to whoever wants them, and everyone does. There’s a bunch of random running around and shooting. Howe climbs up on the top of the cages and runs along opening hatches. No one shoots him even though he’s up there with no cover. The old lady tells him Jordan went with Gideon, and so did JJ. Howe talks her into coming with them, but she’s not keen, saying she’d never make it. She’s shot pretty much instantly, so she was right. She didn’t make it.

Howe finds Jordan’s body. Her eyes are open, but in the next cut her eyes are closed, so she obviously had one last blink left in her. The slaves are rounded up and shot by the soldiers, but it’s okay because Howe and Kilt guy have made good their escape so they don’t have to care anymore. They get to the dock in time to see the boat departing. Howe plans to swim out to it.

And he wonders why she broke up with him

In the boat, Gideon is collecting up everyone’s weapons. With a smile, Gideon shoots the two soldiers he brought with him. Why not, I guess. Smug guy is sent to stow the guns below deck, which is handy because Howe and Kilt Guy are in no way being quiet as they approach the boat. Howe calls out to JJ, who throws him a rope. Gideon emerges from below decks and JJ tries to distract him, but Howe just barges on in, pushing Smug Guy over the edge. Gideon grabs a knife and holds it to JJ’s throat. “Kill her” says Howe, because he’s all tough now and not at all a weedy nerd. JJ starts to cry.

As Gideon slits a shallow cut into JJ’s throat, Howe gives it up and jumps off the boat. JJ however is pretty annoyed, so she pushes Gideon off the boat and sails away. Gideon and Smug Guy get back to the shanty town to see piles of bodies from the uprising bit before. As they stagger into town, Gideon looks at the pod and says to Smug Guy “Wait, shouldn’t all those be empty?” He’s referring to the missile bays, because missile 11, as you will no doubt recall, is still there and armed.

The timer counts down from 4 seconds and then boom – stock footage mushroom cloud. Kilt Guy, JJ and Howe watch from the boat and a caption appears saying “The final victory has been won, Mankind can now rest in peace.” And credits.

The premise of this movie was promising. Astronauts return to a ruined earth. The whole rest of it was ridiculous. I can’t get my head around some teenage kid gaining such control over soldiers, although his father was mentioned as being high up in the Naval command chain which I think was supposed to explain it. Except it doesn’t really, because in a war situation people generally don’t say “Well, your dad was our commander, so you can have a go now if you like.”

I’m also not entirely sure when it was supposed to be set. It was made in 1985 and while I can’t mock the technology (Walker was rocking a particularly chunky walkman there for a while) because there’s sort of no way for movie makers to know what’s coming in the way of flat screens and whatnot, I can totally mock the hair. Eighties hair! Everywhere!

There’s quite a few unexplained things. Like the Terminals, who are a big threat early in the movie for about 90 seconds and then cease to be a danger of any kind. I happen to know that the Terminals are people who are suffering radiation sickness and as such are being driven insane. I know this because it’s on the DVD case, it doesn’t’ come up in the movie at all.

Howe, who was blindfolded on being taken to Kilt Guy’s house in the first place, still manages to find his way there from a completely different location without any issues. He then gets back to the shanty town without a bother. No explanation there. All the timing bits started to get annoying too – just as they look at this screen a bomb goes off, just as Howe turns on the radio his wife is talking, just as Smug Guy and Gideon notice the missile, it explodes.

This isn’t the worst movie I’ve seen, but it’s a long way from anything like good. It’s too long, especially since you know from the moment the missile is shown that the thing will end with a boom, it’s just a matter of getting through the rest of it. Which was a slog.

JJ’s make up, though, managed to stay perfect under all circumstances, so that’s something.

Tags: Dire DVDs