zwolanerd

I’m not going to accuse this movie of being predictable, but the title pretty much tells us what’s going to happen, it’s just a matter of getting through the wacky misunderstandings first. This is why I can’t really “do” Romantic Comedy – I know everyone’s going to end up together and waiting for them to just get on with it is boring. There’s a great line from the British Comedy “Spaced” which is used when a story is getting too long – “Skip to the end.” However, since I am watching this on your behalf, gentle reader (or reader-who-enjoys-my-suffering, whichever you may be), I’ll watch the whole thing.

The credits launch right into a slideshow of the cast, and to the surprise of no one, the theme tune is sung by Olivia Newton-John. It’s about love and being in love, that’s all you need to know. Chloe Lattanzi is also in this movie, that is Olivia’s real life daughter if you weren’t up with your Australian Singer/Actors (and why aren’t you?). Once the song is over, we see the owner of a lumber yard paying out his staff before they go home for Christmas. Olivia wanders up with an expanding file and explains to the guy about carbon paper and triplicate. She’s really into carbon paper. She’s leaving the company having been let go as business is bad. She’s quite cheerful until she gets her last paypacket, and then she goes all big liquid eyes and sniffles all the way to her pick up.

In a big city building, Brian is on the phone being businessy while his girlfriend Felicity stands around staring at her watch. Brian sets a meeting time for mid afternoon and his lady is unimpressed because he’s supposed to be leaving early for a date with her. Felicity complains about how Brian will be late for their important party to Susan while the receptionist stares right at the camera in a slightly unnerving way.

Susan tells Brian all their staff are stuck in the snow, and there’s a mountain that needs going up to collect a payment. He takes the paperwork and complains that he hates doing collections at Christmas. There’s nothing for it, someone needs to go and demand money from this unemployed single mother. Okay so Brian doesn’t know that she’s an unemployed single mother, but we do because it’s Olivia and her tiny cabin home is the next thing we see. The name “Stonecypher” is on the mailbox – what kind of a name is that? Was she married to a Warlock or something?

Inside, Olivia is baking cakes with her daughters. There’s a lot of cakes, which they’re planning to sell in town. Olivia’s name turns out to be Julia but I’ll stick with Olivia. One of the girls, Deenie, is adding up how much money they might make, and comes up with a million dollars as a likely amount to make from cake sales. With the sweet innocence of childhood, she asks her mother if she’ll quit her job if they make enough money. Oh my heartstrings! They would hurt were they not made of iron.

Deenie goes to check on her sheep which is apparently sick. It’s in a barn with a cow and some chickens and a donkey. She’s only just flung her arms around the sheep when Olivia calls her to the car as they have cakes to deliver. Once they get to town, the girls rush up to doors with cakes. The first customer is standing on the porch with her money ready in her hand, but the next customer can’t afford a cake this year. Deenie runs back to the car and tells her mother the lady can’t afford cake. “Take it back to her,” says Olivia, writing a loss on her notepad. Gosh she’s nice, not wanting anyone to miss out on the joys of festive cake.

Snow falls as Olivia takes the last cake into the general store. While she’s inside, she picks out a doll for Emily Rose and a second hand bike for Deenie, having the owner stash them until she comes back that afternoon. She has another round of deliveries to do, but that will give her the rest of the money to pay for the stuff. A wise old lumberjack type warns Olivia there’s a storm coming.

Out in the car park, Olivia reminds the Wise Old Lumberjack Type to come to her house for Christmas Dinner, and asks him to come and look at the sheep who is due to lamb. He promises to check in if the storm doesn’t hit too hard, and asks Olivia how they’re all doing up there in the cabin. “We’re fine,” says Olivia sadly, because they’re not fine, they’re broke. There’s also a bunch of guys loading sacks of feed into a pick up, but the sacks are stuffed with padding and look like big pillows. Just an aside there. The Wise Old Guy says “Must be kinda hard around the holidays with Tim passed away,” so that’s nice, reminding a lady of her dead husband in the lead up to Christmas. That’s super nice. I’m also not entirely sure how the family can afford to keep so many animals fed and vetted.

Brian is out in the snow, shouting into his phone to his girlfriend who knew he’d miss the party. He’s at the general store, but it’s much later. He’s heading up to hassle Olivia for money now, but the snow is really coming down (lightly). Inside the mountain cabin, the kids at frosting the cakes and talking about Christmas. Emily Rose has her own special brand of Childhood Innocence and asks when her Daddy will be coming home. Upset, Olivia goes to the window and sees Brian’s car coming up the driveway. She knows somehow exactly who it is and what they want, so she runs out to tell Brian she can’t pay yet but can in January. She’s about to go back inside when Brian steps out of the car to tell her he’s the Vice President of the Bank. Which is why he’s there, because that is exactly what Vice Presidents of Banks do, drive around collecting overdue payments in the middle of the night.

Brian doesn’t have time for excuses, he’s a stern chap with money owing to his bank and an irate girlfriend. The fact that Olivia can’t afford Christmas and house payments is of no concern to him, and why should it be? He’s a Bank Guy, they like to have their money back. Turns out the dead husband took out a bunch of loans against the property, leaving Olivia and her kids up to their eyeballs in debt. Brian informs Olivia that if she can’t make the payments, the bank will take the house. Olivia can’t believe this, being entirely unfamiliar with the concept of foreclosure.

Brian goes all stern and drives away, but the snow is slippery and he crashes into a small flimsy shed. Olivia runs to his aid while the girls rush out to see what’s happened. Olivia sends Deenie in to call the doctor, everyone is screaming and hysterical. Deenie calls the doctor, but he says the bridge is closed, and also the phone cut off right at that moment. Olivia manages to haul Brian into the house, and dumps him on one of the girls’ beds. Emily Rose brings in a bowl of warm water and a cloth, saying that Brian is the Christmas Stranger which is not a thing I’ve heard of. Olivia gets to work wiping the fake blood off Brian’s face.

Brian managed to do himself serious damage in his tiny accident, and is laying delirious on the bed. Emily Rose thinks Brian is her daddy – what did they do, tell the kid he’d gone to the store for milk? Deenie knows it’s not Daddy, she can remember Daddy. Brian wakes up and calls the girls angels, sitting up groggily. The girls scream and rush to the corner of the room. Olivia comes in to do some more first aid. She sits Brian up to take off his bloodied shirt and goes all swoony. The girls have a small girl argument, and then Olivia rushes off to get Brian some dry clothes.

These clothes belonged to Tim, the dead husband. Olivia cuddles a shirt while the music goes all sad and high pitched, and there’s an extended shot of a framed photo of Olivia and Tim. Tim looks like he’s never seen a camera before, and if you touch his woman he might stab you. I can see why she misses him.

The girls are watching over Brian with a flashlight and a book to hit him on the head with. When he sits up again and then falls off the bed holding his head, they scream again and I’m pretty much ready to have them written out of the movie now thanks. Olivia tries to haul Brian back into bed but even though she was able to half carry him into the house from his car, she is now too weak to do anything but fall all over him, moaning softly. Instead, she shoves a pillow under his head on the floor. Then she takes his pants off, because they are wet from the snow (a likely story, Olivia). Predictably, groggy Brian thinks she’s hitting on him. Olivia grabs the flashlight to check Brian’s eyes to see how his concussion is getting on. She does this by crawling between his legs, which gives him a chance to push her backwards with his feet and demand a cappuccino. This is a really good idea, and I pause the movie to go make coffee.

I return to Olivia shouting at Brian for being blinky and headachy. She throws a blanket over him and then storms out to the kitchen to do the dishes. The radio announcer is explaining how terrible bad the storm is, and Emily Rose is concerned that Santa won’t be able to make it through. Olivia tells her he will, and Deenie snaps at her mother because her mother always says everything will be alright and it never is. Olivia is being a little ray of sunshine about how snitty Deenie is, and tries to cheer her up with tales of cake. Brian staggers downstairs, his broken glasses hanging off his face. Emily Rose flings herself at him to hug him because she thinks he’s the Christmas Stranger and/or her father.

He called his agent, but couldn’t get out of finishing this movie

Brian demands his pants, but Olivia says he can’t have them because they’re wet. Deenie asks him if he’s an escaped convict, and he tells her he’s not a criminal, he’s a banker. Olivia says “Huh, big difference there” and it’s so hilarious I just fall about laughing for an hour. Brian spots the phone and waddles over to it. He’s wrapped in a blanket, I should have said, I’m not mocking his walk. Olivia tells him the phone is dead. She blames the storm, he thinks she didn’t pay the bill.

He can’t stay in that house, because he’s incredibly high powered and amazing, and needs to get back to his lovely girlfriend and job and stuff. Olivia tells him he’s stuck, because there’s snow and a closed bridge. She’s trying to sound stern and upset, but it’s Olivia Newton-John so she just sounds… like Olivia Newton-John.

Brian sits down, and is joined by Emily Rose who wants to stare at him. He pulls a face and she giggles, so Deenie screams her name. This is a seriously high pitched movie and I regret my choice to use headphones while watching it. Olivia gives him aspirin, snarks at him for not wanting to be stared at by a small intense child, and then complains that his manners are terrible. Brian wants sympathy for his headache and accident, but Olivia is all “Nope, you suck.” Paraphrased there a little.

Emily Rose tells Brian she totally knew the Christmas Stranger would turn up and that’s why there’s an extra chair at the table. Brian says he’s not the Christmas Stranger and Emily Rose wants to know who he is. Olivia jumps in to stop him answering, slamming a cup of tea on the table so it splashes everywhere. Brian decides to not be heartless and stern, and tells Emily Rose he got lost instead of telling her he came to get money. Emily Rose is thrilled, because that’s how Christmas Strangers happen. She flings her arms around him in a big excited hug. Brian has had enough of this, and picks up Emily Rose to plonk her back into her chair.

This is evil and wrong, and the girls run to their mother for protection. Olivia tells him she’ll kick him out of the house if he touches the girls again, he says he’s happy to go if he can get his pants back. Olivia sends him upstairs to get some pants, and Deenie decides to stop being a bitter child and goes for compassion instead, because he’ll die out there.

Brian gets changed into Dead Tim’s clothes, and he’s back to his old self, the change of clothes having cured his concussion. He’s about to leave when Emily Rose grabs his leg and demands he don’t go out there. Olivia tells him he’s making a terrible mistake leaving in the storm. She’s so convinced of this she says it twice, but he’s determined to leave and he’s off. He staggers through the snow in a moment of comedy, if your standard of comedy isn’t too high.

Olivia decides to feed the animals before the storm gets worse. While Deenie and Olivia are arguing about bringing the animals into the house, Emily Rose grabs her book and a jacket and sneaks off to join Brian outside. Olivia calls to her, looking for the scrap bucket, and Deenie notices that Emily Roses’s coat is gone. I’m wondering why two children living only with an Aussie have American accents, but that’s probably not important right now. Emily Rose is out in the snow!

In the thirty seconds since she left, Emily Rose is not anywhere to be seen, so Olivia is off to get the General to get her. Deenie says she doesn’t want to be alone in the house, and Olivia says it’s all be okay. Deenie is completely tired of that sort of comment, and has a tantrum about how everything is actually terrible all the time. Olivia freaks her face off and then leaves to get the General, telling Deenie to turn on all the lights to feel better. Deenie is just turning on the lamp when the power goes out. Oh no!

It turns out the General is the donkey. I admit it, I was expecting a person. While Olivia is leading the donkey out of the barn, Deenie is gathering candles and lanterns. It’s the middle of the night, but there’s plenty of light to see by thanks to the lighting rig outside the window. Emily Rose is out in the snow calling for Brian. Brian has dug his car out of the snow. Well he’s dug enough snow away to get into the car, the rest of the car will automatically desnow itself later probably. The car starts first time, and Brian turns on the heat. Olivia is leading a donkey around in the snow calling for Emily Rose. The car won’t drive out of the snow drift it’s in. Emily Rose finds it and climbs inside.

Brian, as you can imagine, is thrilled to see a small child has followed him to the car. He tells her to warm up from the heater and then he’ll take her back to the house. To pass the time, Emily Rose offers to read Brian a story from her book. She stumbles over a word, and Brian tells her he knows this story anyway, it’s the story of Saint Joseph and his Blooming Staff. The next page on the story book shows a painting of an empty chair for the Christmas Stranger, which explains the small child’s obsession with the whole idea.

Brian says it’s time to go back to the house, but Emily Rose says she’s not warm enough yet. As they’re waiting to get really super warm, the battery runs down. It’s okay though, because Olivia has finally figured out they might be at the car, and has arrived with the donkey. Brian lifts Emily Rose out of the car and drops her on The General’s back. They head off to the house, but the donkey is basically over this whole being in a movie thing and is being stubborn.

Deenie has the house alight with candles and lanterns and opens the door for Olivia who is carrying Emily Rose who is actually completely fine if a little cold, but I suppose she felt like some drama in her day. Brian starts to help Deenie light the fire, since the power is out. Deenie has lit all the lanterns, with more to come, but didn’t bother with the fire. Olivia heads out into the snow to put the General back in the barn.

In the barn, Olivia tells the General she’ll be found a good home. The sheep is laying on her side refusing food. “You have to eat, do it for Deenie,” says Olivia, like sheep care about anything. Olivia picks up an armload of wood for the fire and as she goes back inside Brian accuses her of not paying her power bill. “This is the mountains!” she says shrilly, “The electricity goes out all the time in the mountains!” This explains why they have every lamp known to man (I admit, there’s a few at my place too because I live in the sticks and the electricity… okay Olivia has made a fair point). The water is also off, and Olivia tells Brian they learn to do without. She grabs a bucket and goes outside.

Brian is spooked by Living In The Mountains Noises because he is a city chap. There’s a clunking noise and he freaks, but Deenie puts on her most condescending face and tells him it’s the wind in a way that says “You may be older than me, but you’re a complete idiot.” Emily Rose is going to read some stories out, but Deenie is way too old and wise to listen to stories for little kids. She’s a really smarmy little snotty brat, that Deenie. Brian says he’ll listen, Deenie calls him a dork. Emily Rose stumbles over words again, so Brian helps her out because maybe he’s thawing now, you know? Maybe there’s heart under that Banker’s heartless exterior?

Instead of just scooping up a bucket of snow and melting it over the fire, Olivia is wrestling with the pump outside which is, amazingly, frozen. She taps it lightly with a spanner a couple of times, and then it works. Olivia is magical.

Speaking of magical, Emily Rose shows Brian a picture of a barn full of animals who are talking, because animals talk at midnight on Christmas Eve. This is the first I’ve heard of it. Olivia is busy chopping wood which doesn’t need chopping because it’s already the perfect size for a fire, but I guess if you want a woman out struggling in the snow for a bit it’s worthwhile giving her something to do.

Inside again, Olivia is chopping up veggies for dinner while the girls argue about the idea of animals talking at midnight. Deenie is too old and wise to buy into these kid stories. Olivia takes her chopped veggies over to the fire place where she has a pot of water boiling over the flames. Brian is impressed as she loads the veggies into the pot and Olivia explains that Tim and his family taught her how to cook over an open fire. Brian says it’s charming, Olivia says he thinks that because he’s never had to lift a finger for anything in his whole life and then they have a deep and meaningful chat about who Brian really is. Olivia doesn’t like who Brian really is, because he’s self centered and unfeeling. Moving on swiftly.

The soft gentle flicker of candle light.

Dinner is eaten around the table, where the manufacturers of whichever brand of candle they’re using would be delighted to see just how bright those candles are. Emily Rose refuses carrots, and says Brian isn’t eating his either. Olivia gives Brian a meaningful look so he eats a carrot. He mentions Olivia’s amazing skills at everything and tells her she could get a job anywhere, but the girls get all upset about the idea of leaving the house. Emily Rose says her Daddy grew up in this house and he’ll be home soon. Why has no one explained things to this child?

While being tucked into bed, Deenie says she’s worried about the lamb, because if it’s born early it will die. Olivia says it might, but when bad things happen you have to remember good things happen too, like when Tim died she was sad, but she’s happy now because of the girls. Tears. Hugging. More snow.

Brian is by the fire, soaking up the heat. Olivia says she needs to look into his eyes to check for concussion, and he says she should have done that earlier. She says he was in a Yuppie Delirium. While she’s checking his eyes, he tells her there’s a prominent hotel chain looking for property in the area and she could make a good deal on the house. Olivia says she doesn’t want to hear about his plans to ruin the mountains, tells him he has a slight concussion and throws the first aid book at him. She tells him he’ll have to wake up every 4 hours to make sure he’s not dead or something, but he says he doesn’t trust himself to do that and begs her to help him. She’s all Nope, can’t, busy tomorrow, need sleep, but then she changes her mind because she’s a sweet angel of compassion to his demon of heartlessness.

Settled by the fire with her knitting, Olivia tells Brian about Daisy the sheep. The sheep has never been particularity healthy, so of course breeding from it was the best idea ever. Anyway, Olivia is concerned tat the lamb will die. Brian is jealous that Deenie has a pet at all, he was never allowed one. “I couldn’t live without animals around,” Olivia says, which is a lie because they all live in the barn, nicely out of the way.

They do some more heart to hearting, I’ll just give you the gist. Olivia loves living in the remote mountains, Brian loves living in the city, they are very different people. Brian considers his girlfriend to be in a contract with him for a relationship, Olivia says she’s not good at anything. Brian says she is good at things. Now you’re up to speed. By the end of the conversation Olivia has fallen asleep, I may join her.

The girls come down stairs and see the pair of then snuggled up beside the fire. Olivia and Brian are woken by the girlish giggles and Olivia takes them back upstairs to relight the fire in their room. They all climb into one bed for warmth, and Deenie notices Olivia is crying because she misses Tim.

The next morning, Brian wraps himself up in a big coat and heads out to the barn where Olivia is milking the cow. Brian wants to do something useful to help out. I want to know what happened to the calf. Olivia is concerned that Brian thinks there’s something between them now they’ve fallen asleep in the same area of the house, but Brian thinks nothing happened. Which is good, because that’s what Olivia wants him to think. Or something. Look,  I can’t keep up with lady mind games.

Brian is sent out to get some water from the pump, the music is all “Look at this city guy out in the countryside, el-oh-el.” Yes, he is having trouble with the pump.  Deenie wanders by and is concerned about Brian being outside all alone, but is more concerned about her sheep. The Old Wise Lumberjack type was supposed to come by but the storm is too bad.

In the kitchen, Brian is eating cake, which Olivia is miffed about because those are the ones she wants to sell. Emily Rose wants a Christmas tree, but it’s too snowy to go and get one. Brian offers to go cut one down and the family follows him to watch because the know it will be hilarious. It isn’t particularly, though Deenie has to do the pushing over bit of the tree because everyone is so seriously stupid (her attitude, not mine).

The tree is being decorated with paper chains and popcorn strings. Olivia has been upstairs to get a box of ornaments. One of them is super special, because Emily Rose’s daddy made it. “Well why don’t you hang it right in front,” says Brian who is a nice guy now all of a sudden having murdered a tree. “Good idea!” says Emily Rose, “That way when my Daddy gets home he’ll see it!” Brian sits down in front of Emily Rose and tells her that her Daddy isn’t coming home. Emily Rose is not upset, because she already knew that but doesn’t think her mother knows Daddy isn’t coming home. Ooh I bet there’s going to be tears right about now. I’m right, Olivia is being all sad eyed in the kitchen.

Deenie wants to know if Brian believes in heaven, and do animals go there? Is their Daddy in heaven? Brian says yes, and he still loves them. The tender moment is broken when the girls call Olivia in to look at the tree. She sends them out to the kitchen for dinner. Emily Rose makes Brian sit in the chair for the Christmas Stranger, and Olivia is clearly busy having feelings all over the place.

Brian is now a useful member of the group, he’s chopping wood (that is already perfectly sized). He carries in an armload of wood and is pleased with himself for chopping it up. “Anything else I can do?” he says with a grin like something that grins a lot. “No, you’ve done quite enough,” says Olivia, she’s still ticked off that Brian told Emily Rose that her dad is dead. Olivia says she’s told Emily Rose a hundred times that her father is dead, but Emily Rose thinks if you believe things hard enough they come true.

Everyone is huddled around the fire, and Emily Rose wants to know if it’s midnight because the animals will be talking then. Olivia says she’s not allowed to stay up till Midnight, but Brian over-rules, saying he’ll take her out to the barn if she can stay awake until midnight. Of course she can’t, the girls are sleeping on the floor when the clock chimes twelve.

Brian is scribbling in his notebook. It turns out he can draw and has sketched the girls as they sleep. There’s no money in art though, so it’s just a hobby that makes him happy, not a career option. Olivia tells him to do what makes him happy, but he considers this an absurd notion, being happy all the time. I can see why that would suck.

The voices remind Olivia that pigs will easily dispose of any corpses

Olivia wakes the girls to send them to bed, but Emily Rose sees the clock is at midnight and wants to go to the barn. They trudge out through the snow and into the barn to find a bunch of silent animals. Brian trips over a bucket, startling the donkey who has had a lot of peanut butter slathered onto the roof of her mouth to make her tongue move a lot as she brays. This wakes the pig, who oinks and the cow who moos without even moving her lips. The animals are talking! Emily Rose is ecstatic! Even Deenie is sold, rushing around the barn with a look of wonder on her face. Olivia, who was grumping about the whole thing, is all laughing and happy, and Brian is all laughing and happy and the Foley artist is pressing repeat on the animal noises like nobody’s business.

Olivia suddenly stops laughing, and remembers the sheep. Daisy is panting, and in labour. Olivia goes off to get water and rags, and Brian sings Jingle Bells to the sheep to keep her calm. Quite happy his character isn’t a vet if that’s his attitude to animal care. The girls fall asleep on bales of hay while Brian and Olivia help the sheep have her lamb. Olivia opts for “Away in a Manger,” why do these people keep singing to a sheep? The lamb is born in about 6 seconds and is huge considering it’s supposed to be early. Olivia sends Brian inside with the lamb and tells him to keep it warm and give it milk. Colostrum is a thing Olivia has not heard of. The sheep is burping, which is fatal. Olivia unloads her sadness about being a fighting mother as the sheep dies in her arms.

In the house, Brian is feeding the lamb and Olivia is staring into the fire being sad about Daisy. Since the presents were never picked up, Olivia goes into the attic to find presents for the girls. Brian follows her up and is amazed at all the neat stuff up there, some of which could be sold to pay off some bills. Olivia won’t hear of it, it all belonged to Tim’s family (why are Tim’s family not helping her out if they’re so special?). Brian wants to know how Tim died. See, he’d always been in debt, so he opened a welding shop to try and make money. Realising he was going to lose the business, he got drunk and drove his motorbike into a car.

Even the lamb saw this coming

Everything’s sad for a bit, then Olivia finds a doll for Emily Rose and a wooden farm toy thing for Deenie. She’s leaving the attic when she realises she forgot the doll and has to push past Brian to go back in. He kisses her as she makes her way past. He’s still holding the lamb, by the way, and the lamb looks like it is over this nonsense already.

It’s Christmas morning. The girls come rushing down the stairs to see their gifts under the tree. They are so happy Santa came! As soon as they unwrap the gifts they know it was Olivia because the gifts are old and crappy. “Thank you, mommy,” they say in small, sad voices. They are cheered up but the lamb however, and carry it over to the sofa. Deenie wants to see Daisy, but Olivia tells her that Daisy died. Everyone’s sad, but there’s the lamb so you know, happy now.

At breakfast, Deenie says she guesses Santa couldn’t make it through the storm. More sad. But wait, the snow has stopped and the guys from the town are riding up on horses. The girls rush out to say hello and the Old Wise Lumberjack type tells them Santa left their presents with him, revealing the doll and bike strapped to a horse. Everything is all festive and jolly now, the chaps are drinking their homebrew, and the fire is lit and everyone is singing and having a lovely time. You can tell it’s fictional though because everyone knows the second verse to Good King Wenceslas which has never happened in the real world. The festivities are interrupted by the arrival of a helicopter.

The helicopter lands, and Brian’s girlfriend Felicity emerges and rushes over to him. She’s been so worried! Brian brings her inside, but he’s a bit drunk and still concussed (apparently) so he can’t remember her name, but introduces her to everyone anyway. When he introduces Olivia, Felicity gives him a look that says “I bet you’re in love with her” because she’s read the whole script and knows how this ends.

Brian gathers his things, because Felicity is taking him home. Brian doesn’t want to leave, and Olivia offers to let them both stay for dinner but Felicity is having none of that and storms out while Brian is saying how pretty Olivia is. He gets to the helicopter, Emily Rose is all upset he’s leaving. The helicopter takes off and everyone is sad.

Christmas is over, and Olivia is in town collecting her mail. Deenie is carrying the lamb around with her, which they have named Brian after the Christmas Stranger. At home, Olivia opens the mail to find a letter from Brian dated December 22 which tells her she has to leave the house by the 31st so the bank can foreclose.

Olivia sits the girls down to tell them how cool it would be to move to town. Deenie says no because of the animals and everyone has a teary. Just as she’s explaining there’s no way out, Brian drives up with a trunk full of gifts. The girls rush to grab the gifts but Olivia tells to put the gifts back. She glares at Brian and tells him the house is theirs for a few more days at least and he can just leave.

“I wanted to see you,” says Brian, holding out a huge gift. Olivia is too cross to even talk right now though thanks. He left them, she says, he left them! Brian says he had things he had to deal with in the city and had to leave. He unwraps the gift which is a sketch he’s done of the girls. Olivia is completely unimpressed as it’s one more thing to pack. Brian’s been thinking about bank loans, and tells Olivia to open a cultural centre for the tourists. She’s not keen. She’d rather bake cakes.

Brian knows people who know about cakes, so he could totally help. Also he’s dumped his lady because he’s in love with Olivia. Being at her house with her kids and herself there made him so happy. Olivia is in love with him too. they argue a bit, then smooch. The girls have snuck out and throw snowballs at them, so there’s a big old snowball fight and everything’s amazing now. Credits.

A friend of mine watched this as well, and just told me she had to watch the ending twice to figure out why it all worked out in the end. The answer is simple: Christmas Magic. The longer answer is:  The bank will give this chronically in debt woman more money so she can bake cakes for a living. She is still paying off the house, hospital fees and funeral costs for her dead husband, as well as all his other debts, but the bank can probably overlook all that and just chuck some money at her because hey, she’s pretty. Of course, this is Romantic Movie Land, so Olivia will probably go on to marry Brian and therefore enjoy his large pay packet too, unless he takes her advice and packs in banking in order to be an artist, or possibly gets fired for signing off on risky loans.

This one was based on a book, which I looked up to see if it was a Mills and Boon book. It wasn’t, but could have been. The Romantic Story formula was right there. Boy meets girl, girl hates boy, girl and boy argue and fuss around, girl and boy end up in love. This one had the added bonus of Unhappy Man realises his life could be so much better with a different woman, two kids and a sheep.

Cookie cutter characters abounded in this thing.  Sad but Strong Widow, Adorable but Innocent Child, Cynical but Sweet Child, High Powered City Man… urgh. Every time I watch another Dire DVD I become more convinced there’s a piece of software out there churning out these characters complete with pre-written lines and a clothing guide.

So many things not making sense in this movie. Tim’s family obviously weren’t helping Olivia out, so I don’t get why she was so protective of their stuff. I can see why the house was important to her, but the rest of the stuff in the attic was basically salable goods, except that Olivia was all emotional about it. Maybe when Tim drove his bike into a car, he had his entire family sitting on the back of it.

Joy Of Christmas Rating: Minus sixteen. I am not buying anyone any presents as a direct result of this movie.

Tags: Dire DVDs

Friends, it is upon us. We are now in December and there’s nothing you can do about it. The year is hurtling to a close, and all those New Years Resolutions you made last year can be recycled for this year because let’s face it – you didn’t stick to them. The other thing about December is that there’s a little thing on which you may have heard about – Christmas. This small festival has really gathered steam over the past few years, and there’s even movies about it now. In the spirit of the season, I’m watching them this month.

Barry Bostwick is in this. As a certified fan of Rocky Horror, I can only say “Yay!” That’s two Brad Majors’ we’ve had in Dire DVD land. I’m easily excited. Shelley Long is also in this, and while I quite liked her in Cheers (which is a contentious opinion around here, I’m sure Mark has a thing or three to say about it) I can’t say I’m overall a fan.

According to the notice at the start of the film, this was “Inspired by a true story.” I’m going to just say right now “No, it wasn’t.” It’s Summertime in suburban America. Lawns are being mowed, people are sunbathing and kids are playing street hockey. A rental sign is removed from a house and a red suited chap starts to decorate his lawn with light up festive ornaments, live reindeer and fake snow.

As the removalists drive off, Santa looks around at his magical Christmassy wonderland. The local kids who were playing hockey swarm into the front yard. Although they all look old enough to have given up the Santa thing several years before, they all believe very much in Santa, except for one kid who says there’s no Santa. Santa reels off the kid’s name, address and date of birth to prove he is real. Santa makes the kid (Tommy. Who is ten, and lives 5 blocks away. I feel creepy knowing this) say he believes in Santa. As soon as he does, the cardboard reindeer on the roof light up and all the festive stuff in the garden shoots glitter or snow or something. The kids are invited in to look at the garden, but the neighbours are all outside glaring at the crazy man who thinks he’s Santa.

We cut to the town hall, where Shelley Long is protesting the building of fast food outlet in the town’s historical section. She sounds a little drunk. In order to explain why the historical district shouldn’t have a McDonalds, she rambles on about golf courses. This comparison impresses Barry Bostwick, who’s sitting in the back row taking notes. Shelley is so convincing that the grumpy judge sides with her, and the fast food people don’t get their permit. All the townsfolk pump their fists.

Outside the courtroom, Barry is shouting his article down the phone to the newspaper because he is a reporter. Shelley is wandering around looking smug and pleased with herself for protecting the town from terribleness. The pair chat, they have a sassy flirty relationship but can’t date because Shelly is a City Attorney and Barry writes about politics. Oh well.

Not only is Shelley (they’ve given her a character name but I’ll stick with Shelley) a fighter for a better town, she’s also a mother, and the mother of Tommy at that. I’m guessing she’s a single mother, because flirting with reporters when married isn’t really a “Christmas Movie” thing. She’s in a meeting with a guy who wants to redevelop the old railway station into .. something. Jobs and retail. Shelly is all “Nope, community centre with women’s shelter.” We are establishing that she’s a caring, sharing sort of a person even in the face of big business.

Shelley returns home to her Mexican maid and her son, who is full of excitement about having met Santa. Shelley is distracted by a tin of tomatoes however, and Tommy gets sad faced because his mother never listens to him. “I’m trying to make dinner!” says Shelly, which is a total lie because the maid is doing that. Shelly explains that her job is pretty important, but Tommy is over it and shuffles off to do his homework in a sulk.

Here we see Barry Bostwick at the exact moment he realises he’s in a tedious Christmas movie

Barry has turned up at Santa’s house to interview Santa for the paper. Santa ushers him inside all cheerful and friendly. The inside of the house looks like a department store Christmas set up exploded violently. Barry’s done his research, and knows Santa’s real name is Robert George, but Santa says that’s an old name and now he’s just Santa. He used to be a barber, but now he’s just Santa. How he is supporting himself is not made clear.

Santa says he’s all festive in June because people need love all year round, not just at Christmas, so he’s trying to promote the joy of the season even in the summer. He’s wearing the full suit in the Summertime, so I’m guessing his aircon is amazing. He’s wrapping gifts and being cheerful. He has plans to open Santa’s Dreamworld so that children can be in a perpetual state of Festive Excitement all year long instead of just for the last bit. I wonder what ol’ Shelley of the Preserving the Town will say to that.

The article appears in the paper and Tommy is happy and shows the maid, who is happy for him. Shelley is not happy, because her son has been in the garden of a strange man and she’d have known that earlier if she weren’t a terrible mother who cared more about town planning than her own son. Bad Shelley Long, Bad!

It’s this face, or a tight smile. You get no in-between

In the main street, the traffic is somehow in gridlock. It’s supposed to be Small Town USA, so maybe everyone just gets together for a traffic jam every morning to kick the day off right. Anyway, there’s a couple of kids wandering about the traffic, so Santa stops his car to help them. She’s all the way across the road, so Santa walks the kids over to her. Once the kids are back with Mum, Santa starts to direct traffic but is swamped by people asking for his autograph. The cops have to move him on. Shelly is so unhappy about this whole thing that her face has taken on a sort of perma-disdain. Her voice has attained a high pitched monotone which is quite irritating. She tells Tommy and his two friends that Santa is a weirdo and she doesn’t want them hanging out with him anymore. While she’s on a high powered call to the office, the boys get out of the car to go talk to Santa.

Tommy and Shelley have a heart to heart in the middle of the street, and it turns out that while Shelley is campaigning to be Mayor, Tommy just wants his Mum home when he gets in from school. Shelley goes all heartbroken, and the music goes all violiny. Shelly looks at all the people swamping Santa, all of whom are over 40. She turns away, revealing that she’s standing in front of the “Friendly Wig Shop” which for some reason has made me laugh and laugh.

At the council offices, Shelly is striding around like a busy career woman, and making decisions about what she will and won’t support. Her PA tells her that she could be a Congresswoman if she plays her cards right, and maybe go all the way to the very top. Shelly pulls a face which could be “You’re crazy” or it might be “I know it!” or.. it’s a face anyway.

There’s a crowd at Santa’s place, the nation’s media has arrived to do stories about the guy, and the front yard is full of kids getting overly excited about plastic reindeer. The kids are also swarming inside the house, which is a wonderland of tinsel. Over the road, the neighbours have found a used diaper on their lawn. They blame Santa’s wonderland because of the crowd, which is probably a fair point. The guy throws the diaper in the bin, but his wife points out that the garbage trucks can’t get into the street because of the traffic. Santa is making everything terrible.

Barry’s back to do a follow up story for the paper. Santa takes him inside to look at the scrapbooks. They’re not actually scrap books, they’re photo albums but let us not pick nits. They are fill of photos of Santa with various US Presidents going back to JFK. He’s also got a shot with Elvis, but no one bothered to poorly photoshop that one so it’s not shown. They also haven’t bothered to try and make him look any younger in any photos, so I assume the guy has looked 75 for his entire life. Santa was a barber, but felt that cutting hair and shaving chins wasn’t going to make the world a better place, so now he’s Santa. I condensed that a bit for you. Barry is warmed in the heart region and takes the albums to do something with. Something newspaper related, probably.

Shelley is striding through City Hall again, on her way to the door. Her PA reminds her they’re having an important dinner with an important person, but Shelly needs to spend time with Tommy and can’t attend. Her PA talks her into going anyway because it’s more important to be seen doing important things with important people.

She gets home later to find Marguerite the maid picking up a vast amount of discarded clothes from the entry hall. Why there’s so many dirty clothes in the entry hall I do not know and don’t wish to ponder. Santa has been calling Shelley all day. Tommy dashes down the stairs on his way out to see Santa, but Shelly says he can’t and offers to take him out for ice cream. Tommy says no, he’s had dinner and we all know that no 10 year old boy would want ice cream if he’s already had dinner. Instead of ice cream, says Tommy, why doesn’t Shelley go with him to Santa’s house? No, says Shelley, because she’s whiny and serious and has no time for whimsy.

The next morning, City Hall is full of outraged people doing I Am Outraged In A Movie acting, lots of shaking of fists and babbling. They are the people who live near Santa and they want something done to stop the silliness. The traffic is terrible! The music is terrible! The reindeer eats garbage and the snow bursty thingy bursts too much snow. They’ve written up a petition to have him stopped somehow (presumably not killed, but you never know). Shelley suggests they all go and talk to him, but the angry mob pays taxes which means they don’t have to do anything for themselves.

Shelley is off to shout at Santa. In deference to the reported traffic issues, she drives, stopping her car in the middle of the road. Smooth move, Shelley. Barry’s hanging out in the front yard again with his notebook, because apparently he doesn’t’ report on politics any more. Shelley has brought the police to tow cars away and is all stern and grinchy. To be fair though, it’s June. I’ve complained about Christmas stuff going up in September, so I can totally see her point.

Barry joins her as she walks up to the door and accuses her of being a Grinch. Too late Barry, I already said that. Santa is pleased to see Shelley, but she rattles off a list of violations and tells him to leave town or stop his festive explosion. She returns to the car, but sees Tommy on the street. “My mother shut down Santa Claus,” he says, and he and his friends ride off on their bikes with expressions of sorrow. Shelly looks at Santa, Santa looks and Shelley, the music goes all heartwarming and then she leaves.

Now there’s a bunch of people at City Hall with oddly professional looking picket signs, demanding the return of Santa. Shelley’s PA is furious that Shelley went in person to close down the Santa house. It looks terrible for her Mayoral Election campaign. In order to save it, says the PA, they have to give the guy the railway station. How this will help I do not know. The PA goes off to tell the guy he can have the building and Shelley looks at a photo of Tommy on her desk. Violins play. Barry turns up to ask Shelley out to dinner again, but she refuses. He promises to write a piece on her side ofthe story and she agrees to dinner in order to set the record straight.

Santa turns up at Shelley’s house to see Tommy, who apologises for what his mother did. Santa tells him something about mothers being important or whatever, and then asks him to come along to deliver presents to a retirement home. Tommy is up for the adventure, but Marguerite stops him. Santa solves the problem of Tommy not being allowed to be with him by taking Marguerite with them.

Back at the house, Shelley is cooking dinner in her usual way, which means waving pots around and messing around with ears of corn. Tommy and Marguerite get home and tell her they’ve been out with Santa, so she goes from lovely smiley mother to Grinchy face mother in a split second. Tommy is ruining her chance to be Mayor by being with Santa, and she won’t stand for it. She offers to shoot some hoops with Tommy but he’s too upset.

Santa’s house has been stripped of all the decorations, and a big sign has been posted on the lawn to tell people they can’t loiter on the property. There’s a lady on the porch with a sickly child in her arms who’s come to see Santa. Rebecca, the sickly child, has managed to get the strength to meet Santa even though she’s terribly sick. She’s got lots of dark make up under her eyes and big sad puppy eyes, so she’s probably got something serious. If you’re wondering what that sound is, it’s your heartstrings being punched. Santa takes her and her mother inside to do cheering up, and the neighbour over the road videos them going inside because Santa isn’t supposed to have people in his house. The neighbour guy calls the cops.

The inside of the house is just as festive as ever, and Rebecca is opening presents, including an ugly doll. The cops knock on the door, Santa calls them in and everyone looks at each other meaningfully. The kid has the good grace to look embarrassed since she totally just got Santa arrested. Shelley is about to leave for dinner when someone calls her to say Santa is being illegal. She sighs and heads off to the jail to bail out Santa. Barry is at the restaurant and gets a call from a guy who lets him know Shelley is bailing out Santa. He rushes to his desk to look at the photo albums. Of course, what else would he do?

This bit is intercut, Shelley is taking Santa’s belongings in a small paper bag while Barry is flicking through the albums. Santa apparently has a daughter who has a miserable look on her face, and Barry looks up knowingly. Santa is Shelley’s father, so that’s a plot point. Shelley drives him home but refuses to come in for cocoa. She’s gone all Grinchy face again.

Santa goes inside and throws his hat at a doll which makes a weird dying squeak. He’s just sat down when Shelley storms in to shout at him. Seems Santa neglected his family in order to be Santa, and there’s no possible way Shelley can ever forgive him for that. Not ever. Nope. He can see Tommy but only as himself, not as Santa.

Barry is hanging out with Tommy playing video games. They’re having a male bonding session and Barry asks about Tommy’s dad, who Tommy has never met. Shelley gets home and Marguerite tells her Barry is there. I’m expecting her to go all prissy faced again, but she’s warm and smiley which is weird. I’m not comfortable with this aspect of the character, it is too new to me. It doesn’t last. Tommy asks if he can see Santa and gets sulky when she says no, so Shelley drops the smile. Tommy goes to bed and Barry reveals he knows her deep, dark, festive secret. She then goes back to his place for dinner since their date was ruined.

“Have her home by midnight, and no mistletoe!”

Shelley recounts her teenage Santa Traumas through the medium of flashback, explaining that dating and going to church were terrible because of her father being so jolly. When Shelley’s mother died, Santa was off in another part of the hospital. Shelley is very upset as she discusses this but doesn’t actually cry. Barry warns her that the story will have to be printed, but will give her a couple of days to tell Tommy all about it.

The guy who wants the railway station takes Shelley out to look at the place, and there’s a bunch of people standing around ready to invest. Shelley demands her Community Centre as well, this disused station must be massive because the investor guy is talking “Thousands of jobs” in retail and restaurants. He says five years for the centre. Shelley demands it in three, she’s all fired up now she’s dealing with Santa.

While Shelley is wheeling and dealing, Santa is at the Job Centre, trying to get work. Now that he has to store all his stuff and stable the reindeer, he has no money and needs work. He has no skills, and isn’t certified to work with children. Now we get a comedy montage of Santa working various jobs, badly. He’s fired as a travel agent for telling peopel not to travel as it’s too expensive. He loses his job at a fast food place for giving out the kid meal toys even when people didn’t order the kid meal. His job as a parking inspector ends when he’s caught feeding the meters. The lady at the Job Centre has given up, but Santa says he does have one skill.

Tommy and his friend who has a name I never caught are out looking for Santa. They find him working as a barber, and their little faces go all sad. Tommy turns up at home with a new haircut. Shelley isn’t at the office, so they talk. Tommy apologises for being a brat, and presents his mother with a new basketball so they can shoot hoops.

Shooting hoops breaks Shelley’s feet, but Barry is on hand to give her a footrub. Shelley confesses that she hasn’t told Tommy about his grandfather, and Barry tells her he has to run the story. She offers him a story about the railway station instead. He agrees and they kiss. Romantic. Sorta. If Shelley would shut up for three seconds it would be romantic.

The story about the developer runs in the paper the next day and the PA is tense about it. Now that people know the station is going to be torn down, they are protesting against the development. The PA is trying to put a useful spin on it when Robert George calls. This is Santa, calling to say he’ll never be Santa again. Shelley rushes over to his house and finds it devoid of even the smallest hint of Christmas. Santa says he’s totally given up on being Santa, but the pain is too deep for Shelley. She’s explaining how she can never forgive him for neglecting her when there’s a knock on the door.

Mr. and Mrs. Pathos with their children, Heartbreak and Sorrow

A couple is standing there with two children. They’re all covered in dirt and the father explains that they’ve all been on the streets for 8 months and he wants his children to smile again, so they need Santa. Shelley almost softens for a nanosecond, then strides out, snarking at him for thinking it would be easy.

Shelley goes into Tommy’s room to confess all. Tommy is shocked, as you would be if you found out your mother was a big fat liar with pants on fire. Shelley explains that her father is a loser and she doesn’t’ want him in her life. Tommy is thrilled to have Santa for a grandfather, but Shelley reminds him he’s not really Santa but just some weirdo who dresses up. Tommy says he’ll go see him right now, and Shelley whines her tortured face off about how horrible it is having a Santa in the family. She forbids Tommy from seeing him.

Marguerite runs in to tell them there’s a thing on the news they have to see. Thankfully they get there just in time for the start of the story (that’s how it works in Movieland). A reporter is explaining how Santa is the father of Shelley, and calls her Scrooge for making him clean out the Christmas stuff. The story goes on to mention that Santa was jailed, and Tommy hates Shelley again.

The PA is in Shelley’s lounge room with one of the staffers from the office. Outside, the national media is swarming all over the place because nothing of importance has happened anywhere else in the country that day. The PA is livid about all the fuss and secrets and insists that Shelley attend a fancy lunch to start getting some better publicity.

Barry drops in to see Santa and there’s a big “For Rent” sign in the yard. Two of Tommy’s friends see it and zoom off to let him know. Barry goes on inside and finds the place full of boxes of Christmas stuff as Santa gets packed. Turns out Santa had asked Barry over to give him the money he’d raised for his theme park idea, telling him to give it to charity. Barry wants to know what happened the night Santa’s wife died.

Tommy is packing a bag to run away and live with his grandfather when his friends turn up to tell him Santa is moving. They all climb out the window to go stop him. Another twelve kids have turned up from somewhere, and they’re going to surround the house. There’s a rather too long montage of 10 year old boys riding bikes really fast to Santa’s house, and then Tommy shoots out onto the road without looking and is hit by a car.

At the hospital, Shelley blames Marguerite for letting Tommy out of the house as she was supposed to be watching him. Classy. Shelley does some more very sad acting, but still doesn’t actually cry. When the nurse finishes setting Tommy’s arm, she can go in and see him. Barry turns up and Shelley falls into his arms with a whimper (no tears). She’s furious at Santa for existing and making Tommy get hit by a car. It’s everyone’s fault but hers. Or actually Tommy’s since he should have looked where he was going.

Barry explains that the doctors at the hospital when Shelley’s mother died sent Santa home because he hadn’t slept. They’d promised she’d be alive in the morning, and he’d gone to see the kids to cheer himself up. Shelley refuses to believe it, but Barry is sold on the story.

Tommy is laying unconscious in his hospital bed. Shelley’s eyebrows go all sad, but there’s still no tears. Barry, bless him, manages a tear up. Well done that man. Oh there we go, Shelley strokes Tommy’s bruised face and squeezes out a tear. Santa has heard about the accident and turns up to see Tommy. The receptionist doesn’t believe he’s a relative and is calling someone for permission to get him inside when he sneaks off to find his own way. The receptionist sees that he’s gone and calls security. There’s a kerfuffle outside Tommy’s room, and the nurse rolls her eyes and says it’s some guy in a Santa suit. Shelley sticks her head out the door to see Santa arguing with the guards because he’s family and allowed to be there. The music goes all stringed instruments, and Shelley says “Come on in, Dad.” Awww, it’s a moment!

We get another montage. Shelley, Santa and Barry are keeping watch of the unconscious Tommy. Barry has gone off for a coffee or something so Shelley and Santa have a heart to heart. Shelley says she never wanted to be like her father, but as it turned out she is just like him – devoting her life to a dream that’s taken her away from her son. They both have an epiphany.

The following morning the nurse asks Shelley if Santa will go cheer up some kids. Santa says he can’t because he’s here with his family, but Shelley has changed her mind about everything and sends him off to cheer up the children. Okay. Now. This bit is genuinely terrible so bear with me. Santa is seeing the kids and asks who’s next. Shelley is there, she says “I am, I want my son back.” Santa says he can’t do that, but she insists, so he tells her to believe in Santa and he’ll see what he can do. “I believe in Santa,” says Shelley. “Then you’ll get your wish,” says Santa. What is even going on anymore?

Shelley is heading back to Tommy’s room when her PA pops up with some papers to sign. Shelley says she doesn’t have time, the PA gets snitty and Shelley shouts “No!” Just as she does, a bunch of doctors run into Tommy’s room. The nurse comes out and sees her, and screams that she has to come right now. Tommy is awake! Why that required half the medical staff to rush into his room like he was dying I don’t know.

Now that Shelley has forgiven her father and Tommy is allowed to see his Grandfather – Santa prepares to leave town. I give up. Anyway, all his stuff is on the truck and he’s walking to the station. The cops who arrested him offer him a lift to the station, but they take him to the old station. It’s been decorated with Christmas stuff, Shelley has opened it as Santa’s Dream World with the blessing of the city council.

All the people who were complaining half a movie ago are thrilled that Santa agrees to stay and the whole town sings a Christmas carol. As they finish, it starts to snow because Santa is magic and stuff. Credits.

Wow. That was a long movie. Well it was usual movie length, but it felt long. Shelley Long’s character was completely unlikable even in the parts where she was supposed to be likable. She was shrill, whiny, overly serious, demanding and prone to tantrums. She spent the entire movie looking tortured and or prissy and I warmed to her not at all.

Barry Bostwick was great! Sure, you can accuse me of Barry Bostwick bias (say that out loud, it’s fun) but he was good. Even his bits of the script weren’t quite so flat and cliched, which is not to say he didn’t have his share of nonsense to say. If not for Barry, I think I would have stopped this movie at the halfway point and made up the rest.

Santa, the character, was okay at the start, but spent so much time being Wise and Kind and Good that I began to wish he’d run over a kitten or something just to give him some depth as a human being.

The movie does get a point for not having Shelley give up her career – I was certain she would in order to be a Good Mother, so it’s kind of cool that they didn’t go that path when they could have. Then I would have had to have a whole rant on the subject of women in movies (again) so they’ve saved us all some pain there.

All in all though, this movie was long, dull and tedious with heavy handed attempts at being emotionally deep and no joy or laughter at all. Way to ruin Christmas.

Tags: Dire DVDs