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zwolanerd

“I guess I just like liking things”

August 15, 2013 Interlude in the Key of Lego

It’s been a long week at work and I am beat and braintired and having trouble thinking full sentences.  In fact, if the red squiggly lines didn’t show up to tell me I’d typed something wrong, this post would drive you crazy with the typos and there’d be complaints to the Internet Grammar Police and then inquiries and I’d end going away for a long, long time.

But I don’t want you to have to not have your daily zwolanerd (part of a balanced Internet meal), so I give you two bits of Lego info that you might have heard of already, but if you haven’t you’re going to be glad I told you:

A) There is now a Lego DeLorean time machine kit available for sale. You bet your sweet patootie it’s on my list of things to buy. [NOTE: there is a red squiggly line under “patootie,” but I know it’s spelled right, so nertz to you, spellcheck!] Now all we need are some Ghostbusters, Star Trek, Firefly, and Doctor Who Lego kits.

B) There’s a Lego movie coming out next year (scheduled for February) that has characters from many of their famous lines. The trailer is full of “people” that should by all rights never be in a movie together, and I think it reveals Lego’s nefarious plan to unify all fandoms into one big happy family. I’m all for it, but I still don’t want to eat Thanksgiving dinner at the Brony table.

August 14, 2013 The Adventures of Q*bert

Back in 1983, Q*bert was all the rage. I know you think I’m a little loopy with all the love for Q*bert, but I wasn’t the only one. Little dude was everywhere, with games, a TV show, and books. Really, the only strange thing is there’s so little Q*bert nostalgia to be found.  I must be looking at the wrong eBay.

Qube Mountain looks like a treacherous place

Qube Mountain looks like a treacherous place

That isn’t to say there isn’t any Q*bert stuff to be found. I recently found and purchased two wonderful little items, and thought I’d share them with you. Today we’re talking about a book, entitled The Adventures of Q*bert.

The first hilarious thing about this book is that inside both the front and back covers is a translation guide with the title “What Q*bert means when he says…” Here are the phrases and translations:

66$$# = Whew, that was a close one.

***+ = You are good friends.

*$#¢¢/* = This makes me angry!

%#!!%X = I know I am brave. I will triumph!

**!!*** = I feel great!

Now, you might think this is just a funny little business they put in the covers to tie it in to Q*bert’s famous speech bubble from the game. Oh, no, my friends. In the actual story, the phrases are used, and they are used in such a way that context won’t really tell you what they mean, so you gotta look ’em up. I guess Wreck-It Ralph was right, there is a “Q*bertese” language. If I ever had a parrot, I’d do my best to teach it Q*bertese.

The really great thing about this book is that it not only gives us background on Q*bert and the other characters in the arcade game, it also explains why Q*bert is hopping on the pyramid of cubes (they’re actually called “qubes,” if you want to be specific). Hadn’t you always wondered what the deal was with him hopping on the cubes?  I did. We’ll get to that deal in a minute, but first, here’s the opening paragraph of the book:

Q*bert was a likeable little creature who lived in the far-away town of Q-burg. It was a town different from most in that almost all of the things in it were Qube-shaped. Apples and oranges weren’t round. Neither were balloons. And chickens laid square eggs that were called queggs.

So the stage is set.  We’re in tune with what’s going on: even though Q*bert is round, many things that would normally be round are cube-shaped. Fine.

On this particular day, Q*bert is headed for the “magic mountain of Qube.” He’s never been there before, but today’s the day, and he is psyched. Why’s he going there? Let’s read:

…[Q*bert] had certainly read the legend about it: The qubes of the mountain would change color if someone hopped on them, and if anyone could change all the qubes from one color to another within one day, peace and happiness would come to Q-burg.

The mountain was said to be dangerous, a place full of monsters, where boulders came down upon the unsuspecting. But Q*bert knew that his town would be a better place if someone could only make it to its top. He wanted to be that someone.

Okay, now we’re cooking. Q*bert’s got a dream and he’s going to follow it. Here’s where I don’t follow, though – there are illustrations all through the book, and until we get to the mountain, everything looks pretty nice. Sure, the apples are qubed, but they’d be less likely to roll off a table like that. The sun is shining, flowers are blooming, and some neighborhood kids are floating a (qubed) balloon. Fairly idyllic, looks to me. But good enough is never good enough for Q*bert, and off he goes.

Along the way he meets Slick and Sam, and they decide to go to Qube Mountain with him, but when they come across the “STAY OUT! THIS MEANS YOU! Signed, Coily, Wrongway, and Ugg (The Quarrelsome Quorum),” Slick and Sam get nervous. Q*bert’s unfazed, though, and his courage convinces them to keep following. Sure enough, though, they run into all three members of The Quarrelsome Quorum, albeit one at a time. Q*bert gets past the first two by hopping (he does a lot of hopping) and gets past Coily with the help of Slick, who jumps and lands on Coily’s head, sending the snake down the mountainside. If Slick hadn’t decided to continue on, Q*bert might have been lost.

But with the danger past, the friends are free to continue their quest:

Q*bert, followed by his faithful friends, continued up to the very top of the magical mountain of Qube.

When he looked down, all the qubes had changed colors.

Q*bert was proud of himself.

“**!!***,” he said. “%#!!%X.”

And that’s where the book ends! Seriously!  There is NO resolution to the legend, we never find out if peace and happiness descended on Q-burg, and I am feeling a bit deceived. Still, it’s a fun book with some great illustrations, and it was well worth the money I paid for it, which was right around $12 after shipping. The price tag that was still on the cover from 1983 tells me it was originally $.79, though, so when I get my time machine going I know a way I’m going to save a couple of bucks.

The Adventures of Q*bert was written by John Robinson and illustrated by Al Moraski. Copyright 1983 by Parker Brothers, and recommended for ages 6 to 10.

Next time: the Q*bert card game!

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August 13, 2013 Tuesday 13: Songs from Rock of Ages

Get Jack Black in here and do a School of Rock of Ages and I think you might have something

Get Jack Black in here and do a School of Rock of Ages and I think you might have something

Last night my wife and I watched Rock of Ages, mostly because it was free. We liked it okay, but we’re aware it was the music that did the trick – the songs give the illusion that the movie is good. Maybe just see what songs were on the soundtrack and listen to the originals.

In fact, I’m going to save you some time and list my favorites right here. While I enjoyed some of the versions in the movie, this list is based on the originals. ‘S okay? ‘S all right.

13. “Paradise City” – The chorus is the only thing you remember and it’s the best part. The guitar solos are a bit too long and rambunctious for my tastes, actually.

12. “Can’t Fight This Feeling” – REO! REO! REO!  (now go back and read that like the Lost Boys were saying “Rufio!” in Hook)

11. “Waiting For A Girl Like You” – The first of three Foreigner songs on this list, and I had to look up who sang this one.  I oughtta be ashamed.

10. “I Want To Know What Love Is” – These two Foreigner songs are the ones you want sing with clenched fists outside your girlfriend’s window when she hasn’t spoken to you for two days and you’re distraught and emotional and man you just gotta win her back somehow and now you gotta SING

9. “I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll” – Honesty time: I mostly like this one because of Weird Al’s ice cream version

8. “Here I Go Again” – The thing about most of the songs on this list is that I hated them when they were originally out. Like, you wouldn’t even believe. Especially Whitesnake, man. I don’t even know why. I was trapped in a car full of guys and they had a Whitesnake cassette and they just. kept. playing. it.  To torture me on purpose!  And now most of them probably hate Whitesnake and I’m thinking, “Huh, I should go out and buy that album.”

7. “Juke Box Hero” – This is the newest-to-me song on the list. I don’t really know how to explain that, but I only heard this song for the first time like a couple years ago. I know that seems preposterous, since it’s one of those “everywhere” songs, but that’s how it is. More likely is that I heard it earlier but never registered it.

6. “Rock You Like A Hurricane” – I don’t understand how they achieve that “backwards drum” sound in this song.  Any drummers care to explain it?  It’s like, there should be a hit and then the rolling type thing, but the rolling thing comes first and ends on the beat.  It confuses me and is awesome at the same time.

5. “We’re Not Gonna Take It” – The first music video I ever saw.  Can you imagine this being the first music video you ever saw? The kid turns into Dee Snider, man. Ain’t nobody escapes from that visual unscathed. But, hey, any anthem that includes the line “your gall is neverending” is a special kind of awesome.

4. “We Built This City” – Many reviews I read of The Muppets made special mention of how this song made them roll their eyes and they couldn’t believe it was included and yada yada yada. And I’m sitting there during the montage thinking “This is one of the greatest montages ever filmed.” So one of us is wrong, but it’s important to remember that many professional critics are jerks who hate smiling.

3. “Sister Christian” – A couple of years ago I had a bunch of friends over to do the Endless Setlist for Rock Band 3. I printed out a spreadsheet of the songs in the order we’d be playing them and told people they should sign up for particular songs they for sure wanted to play (or, in the case of “Low Rider” for me, songs I wanted to not only not play, but wanted to be out of the house for, UGH). As I was perusing who signed up for what and saw that someone had signed up to sing Sister Christian, someone I had invited to my house, to partake of my food, someone who obviously felt they somehow deserved the honor of singing this song right in front of me like I wasn’t even there, and I may have taken offense.  Also, their request was denied.  And I made them sing Low Rider as penance.

2. “I Wanna Rock” – This seems like the sort of song that should be available on Rock Band, but it isn’t and I don’t even know what’s right with the world anymore. Also, it’s weird to me that two Twisted Sister songs made it into the top five for me here. High school me is spinning in his grave.

Yes, somehow high school me is dead but I’m still around. That’s what rock music does to you, kids.

1. “Don’t Stop Believin'” – Somebody once pointed out to me that the chorus repeats the line “Streetlights, people” and I haven’t been able to shake how ridiculous that really is, but I still can’t help loving this song. Is there a more powerful power ballad? If it’s good enough to end The Sopranos on, it’s good enough for you, mister/missy.

I think it’s weird there were no Boston or Kiss songs in this thing.

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August 12, 2013 Better Off Ted S02E09: The Long and Winding High Road

I don’t feel like we learned anything about the characters this week that we didn’t already know. We might not have ever heard Ted talk about taking the high road, but he’s certainly demonstrated his desire to do that time and again. Linda being “bad”? Didn’t really feel like a departure for her. And Veronica was Veronica, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.  And the only thing missing from Lem and Phil’s devious behavior was a scientific basis for it.

The best part of this episode was seeing another Ted. Up to this point in the show it’s felt like Ted’s team was the only team doing what they do, even if they clearly couldn’t have been because we constantly see other scientists and people running around. I didn’t much like Pete as a person, but it’s hard to separate out how much of that is “Pete’s a jerk” from “I like Ted, so I can’t like Pete.” It’s probably about 50/50. It was a nice moment to have him and Ted be able to share a moment over their daughters’ shared interest in the dolls with the overwrought stories, but it’s more comfortable to have a straight-up nemesis, so we can’t linger on that too long. It’s funny how Pete being a jerk brought out some jerkiness in Ted, but I really got a kick out of Ted’s immediate “I’m not proud of that” and “I actually had a very nice conversation with Pete’s mom at the Christmas party” comments. Ted’s flawed, sure, but he’s mostly not.

It strikes me, all of a sudden, how strange it is that I immediately sign on to the Veridian ideas when they’re presented. I mean, how ridiculous is the idea of kids (or soldiers) floating above a magnetized field of some sort?  Pretty ridiculous. But I don’t question it or any of the other Veridian projects because I’ve accepted that this is what Veridian is and that’s what Ted and his team need to do.  There’s a life lesson in here somewhere about how I should approach things, I bet.

Linda and Veronica working together again is always enjoyable. Linda always wants to have her boss’s approval and Veronica is always trying to figure Linda out, because Linda’s life experience is so vastly different from her own. My two favorite moments in their interactions are Veronica silently standing behind Linda and then, later, when Veronica peers at Linda as though she’s trying to look into her brain to see what’s going on. That second bit actually suffers from the little bit of dialogue they put to it, as I think the stare gave us all the info we needed there.

My favorite part of Phil and Lem’s storyline is after they’ve initially tricked Patricia into thinking she broke the panel but then told her what they’d done. Immediately Patricia tells them they’re going to pay her $500 in extortion money. In that little instance I could see a Patricia that bullies the guys, only in a different way than Veronica.  It was just this little look at a possibility, but they didn’t decide to go that route. I have no trouble believing that Patricia would’ve gotten that money from them if she hadn’t hit on the fight idea. I do wonder where that fight idea came from, though.  Patricia is a complex person.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Rose, because Rose is still fantastic, and her leading the negative charge in the testing room was great.

Bits and pieces:

  • “Now every child can have hours of repulsive fun.” – Phil
  • “Has waving your hands ever sold me on anything?” – Veronica
  • Is it just me, or does Veronica say the word “anything” strangely? She says it twice in this episode, and it sounds kind of like “en-uh-thin” to me.
  • “Can’t we develop one product that doesn’t end up being used to kill people?” – Linda (of course)
  • “Phil, they cancelled your gym membership because no matter what class you were in, you did jazzercise.” – Ted
  • “Every time you smoke a cigarette Santa Claus kills an elf.” – Linda
  • “Smart enough to stay skinny.” – Veronica, proving again she’s not ready to be in charge of children
  • “Oh, and don’t ever do that, either, or the Tooth Fairy will put other people’s teeth in your mouth.” – Linda
  • “Pete, why don’t you show Chet what our team has come up with. It may  not sexualize children, but we think every kid’s gonna want to wear one of these.” – Pete’s Veronica (IMDb calls her “Kathleen”)
  • “Zing! Bang!” – Veronica
  • Chet’s faces after the “Zing Bang” comments from Veronica are a wonderful bit of business
  • “The high road leads to Pansy Town.” – Veronica
  • “You guys have more brains than a zombie Thanksgiving.” – Ted
  • “Then I am ready to leave the monastery and avenge my parents.” – Veronica
  • “I just buy expensive shoes made from very soft animals.” – Veronica
  • Linda is the Testing Coordinator for their department, but haven’t we heard a different title for her before?  I’m guessing this is just a small part of her overall job.
  • “It’s not a boob vest. You’re a boob vest!” – Ted
  • “You should always do what adults tell you to do, especially when they give you candy.” – Veronica, who really shouldn’t be around kids
  • Veronica calls Linda “Flava Flav.”
  • “It looks dangerous, like it could kill a Jonas Brother.” – Rose
  • “I’m starting to feel like a Bond villain.” – Linda
  • “You never know when we might need an elderly dwarf.” – Veronica

Commercial:

Veridian Dynamics. Doing the right thing. It’s important. What does it mean in business? We have no idea. We know what wrong is. Actually, no, we don’t, because we’re a successful company, not some boring ethics professor. Veridian Dynamics. Right and Wrong. It means something. We just don’t know what.

Ideas/Inventions mentioned in this episode:

  • Magnetic gear so kids can experience weightlessness: The Floater, The Astro-Nut, The Dream Glider
  • Corpse-eating Battlefield Robot (make sure to wave your hands when you say this)
  • Fat-free cinnamon rolls

Coworkers named/seen:

  • Pete Gilroy, Ted’s counterpart
  • Patricia
  • Chet!
  • William, the ethical testing guy
  • Kathleen, who didn’t get named in the episode, but seems to be Veronica’s counterpart

Next week: S02E10 – Lust in Translation

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August 10, 2013 Ranking Poodle Hat

This is the eleventh in a series of transplanted articles from my other blog. The transplants will run on Saturdays until they’re all over here. They are copied and pasted, but might get slight edits here and there.

 

So gross. I can't imagine why anyone would do this if they didn't have to. I'm glad I don't have to ride on a subway.

So gross. I can’t imagine why anyone would do this if they didn’t have to. I’m glad I don’t have to ride on a subway.

Poodle Hat was released in May 2003. It ended up being the first album Al released without an accompanying video, but we’ll get to that in a little bit.

Here’s my ranking of the songs:

12. “Party at the Leper Colony” – This is probably my least favorite Al song of all time, for two reasons: it’s gross and it’s recycled leprosy jokes from when I was a kid.  I didn’t feel it was up to Al’s usual standards.

11. “Trash Day” – Another song I dislike, mostly because it’s gross. It’s about the singer letting trash pile up in his house and it is described in great disgusting detail.  Blech.

10. “Wanna B Ur Lovr” – Another song I’m not a huge fan of, made up of a bunch of cheesy pickup lines.  Just not my type of humor.  I will say, though, that I enjoyed this song a lot more when I saw him perform it live.

9. “Genius in France” – I guess this one’s a style parody of Frank Zappa, but I wouldn’t have known that without being told. It’s a long-form song about a fellow who is not popular anywhere in the world except for France. I have to think it’s inspired a bit by the old story of how Jerry Lewis is loved over there, but I don’t have any inside knowledge on that.

8. “A Complicated Song” – A parody of Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated,” talking about some awkward situations the singer has gotten himself into.

7. “Bob” – Style parody of Bob Dylan, but the mind-blowing thing is that the song is made completely of anagrams. Just crazy.

6. “Why Does This Always Happen to Me?” – Terrible, terrible things happen in the world, but right as they are happening, the singer gets irritated by some other smaller thing that has happened directly to him. One of Al’s darker songs, for sure.  He sees a friend has gotten killed in a car wreck, and that’s a bummer, but what really gets him is that the friend owed him money!  Jerk!  Hilariously dark.

5. “Hardware Store” – I worked at a hardware store when I was a teenager, so maybe this one appeals to me more than it would you.  But that middle part where he lists a bunch of stuff the store has without taking a breath?  I think that appeals to everyone.  “Wouldja look at all this stuff,” indeed.

4.  “Angry White Boy Polka” – I just really enjoy his polkas!  This one’s got Eminem, the White Stripes, Kid Rock — the polka is aptly named, I’m saying.

3. “eBay” – I’m not a Backstreet Boys fan necessarily, but there’s no denying the catchiness, so having an Al version of one of their songs is totally boss. Plus, it mentions ALF, so that’s bonus points.

2. “Ode to a Superhero” – A story-of-the-movie-in-song-form about Spider-Man, set to the tune of Billy Joel’s “Piano Man.” Listen, that’s just genius on a level no one else is operating on.  “Sling us a web, you’re the Spider-Man!”

1. “Couch Potato” – A TV song to the tune of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself.” Eminem’s one of those guys who’s got catchy beats and amazing wordplay, but it loses a little something when it’s so cussful. This is one of my all-time favorite Al songs, and I think a lot of it is because of the flow and sound of the song.  This song was set to be the lead single and have an accompanying video, but Eminem put the kibosh on it when the video was already in pre-production. Al was “devastated,” but (in true Al fashion) expressed thankfulness that they were still allowed to have the song on the album. Artists should just learn that having Al parody one of your songs is another path to longevity.  Let him do his thing, people!

One of my all-time favorites on an album with some of my all-time least favorites.  Can’t have light with some darkness, I guess.

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