July 8, 2013 Guest Post: Jill of the Jungle
Today’s guest writer is Carolyn Lawson, a friend of mine who lives in Australia, of all places! She writes The Bent Bobbin, but would like me to warn you it’s about sewing and knitting and such, not about movies or games. I was also warned not to “Americanize the spelling” and I have complied because Australia is full of dangerous creatures and I’d hate to have a venomous koala mailed to me.
The Micro Magic catalogue was delivered six times a year. A thick, slightly glossy A4 booklet containing hundreds of Shareware titles available by mail order. It sounds ridiculous now, when shareware can be downloaded in minutes but in the early 1990s most homes didn’t have the internet. Instead, at our place anyway, we’d send off an order and a couple of weeks later a box of floppy disks would arrive. At $3 each, my father would place a limit on how many my brother and I could order and I would spend hours reading over the catalogue choosing my next order. Without pictures or screen shots, I had to rely on the short descriptive paragraph about each title. It was a bit hit and miss and quite a few of the things I ended up with were not as great as advertised.
I did end up with some classic titles though. Commander Keen, Crystal Caves and a few others I’ve just googled and as it turns out I can’t remember the names of any of them. Hours and hours of screen time though, all contained on floppies. I had two absolute favourites – Commander Keen which I was pretty good at and Jill of the Jungle which I was amazing at.
Jill of the Jungle was released in 1992. It’s a platformer that leads the main character (That would be Jill, do keep up) through a jungle infested with giant ants, burning birds, frogs that are somehow deadly to touch and spinny things on vines that will also kill you. It was the first game I encountered where the lead character was female. Sure, she was a tall blonde in a bathing suit, but still she was a lady which was stupidly exciting to 13 year old me. I’d played games starring kids, aliens and even Quasimodo (on the SpectraVideo. In 1984. This game lead to the first recorded instance of me having Game Rage, but I was addicted and couldn’t stop. A sign on things to come.) but I’d never played a game starring a woman.
There’s cheats for Jill. Well there’s one that I can find, which is pressing X to fill your health and give you a shield. I didn’t know this at the time because of the lack of internet. Cheats and tips for any game were acquired from magazines and newspapers – The Age newspaper in Melbourne had a column in their Green Guide TV lift out you could write in to for help and advice. That’s how I found out how to get to the secret level on Commander Keen, but I digress (I really loved Commander Keen though). What was I saying? Oh yes, cheats. Well I didn’t know that one so Jill is probably the last game I beat without cheats. Judge me if you must.
Firing up Jill of the Jungle was from the DOS prompt. You’d then choose your colour depth. I really am showing my age here, huh? Depending on how new your PC was you could have 4, 16 or 256 colours in your display. Once I’d beaten the game a few times in VGA, I did it again in EGA and then a few more times in CGA just because. Basically, I loved playing it and wanted to see it in all the 4 colour glory available to those peasants with slightly less good computers. Once we had a proper sound card, I played it all through again and made liberal use of the included “Sound Board” which played various sounds from the game when you pressed keys on your keyboard.
By the end of my affection for Jill I was able to get through the entire game without a single loss of life. Along with the usual platformer skills of avoiding pits of spikes, water or lava and avoiding hazards from above, there was an interesting trick to the weapons. Jill picked up a knife early in the game which she could throw at burning birds or giant ants. The knife would then return to her. By combining throwing with jumping or ducking, you could control the path of the knife and kill enemies on lower platforms, or behind tricky walls. Much of the skill in not dying in Jill of the Jungle was mastering the timing on these throws. There was also a spinning blade when slammed downwards onto crocodiles and other things that wanted to kill Jill. Did I mention I was good at it? I was so good at it.
Shareware was generous in those days, usually giving you the entire first episode of a trilogy to play with. The ultimate ending of the Jill Trilogy was saving the Prince – a neat flip of the usual saving the Princess thing games were so good at. I’d make a Mario joke here, but I never played that so I’m not really qualified to do so. I could have owned the rest of the trilogy for just $19.95, cheque or money order. Sadly I never did. I played the first episode a few hundred times, and stared longingly at the address to send the money to at the end of the game but getting US funds in those days was expensive in itself so I had to let the Jill saga go in the end. I moved on to other “First in the trilogy” shareware games. I’ve played a lot of Part Ones in my days.
Even so, the strongest memories of gaming in the 1990s that I have are all of Jill of the Jungle. Learning the timing, the jumps and the enemies that were ahead gave me a weird sense of accomplishment that probably would have been better spent on homework. If I’d been in charge of a newspaper “Hints and tips” column I could have directed anyone to anything in that game. Secret floating “Epic” logos that spawned massive points, secret places full of apples. I knew them all. Although I’ve not played it through in years, I can still remember entire levels. That’s.. actually that’s probably not something to be proud of.
Jill of the Jungle was produced by Epic MegaGames, which dropped the “Mega” in 1999, becoming Epic Games. This is the studio behind Borderlands and Gears of War. Personally, I think the world is ready for Jill of the Jungle as a FPS. I know I am.
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July 6, 2013 Ranking UHF
This is the sixth in a series of transplanted articles from my other blog. The transplants will run on Saturdays until they’re all over here. They are copied and pasted, but might get slight edits here and there.
You will now buy this album. You will now buy this album. You will now…
This is a tough one to write – not because I can’t put the songs in favored order, but because I want to write about the movie! …which I suppose I could do, but it doesn’t fit in this series. The official title of this album is “UHF – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack and Other Stuff.” It includes a few things that were in the movie, but the bulk of it is like any other album. Seven of the songs aren’t even in the movie, and a couple of the tracks aren’t even songs. I’m going to do two lists from this one.
The first list is the “extras” list:
- Gandhi II – The audio of the Gandhi II movie commercial in UHF. “Don’t move, slimeball!” and “I’ll have a steak, medium-rare” are the highlights here.
- Spatula City – Commercial in the movie that is so great I’m just going to link to a video of it.
- Let Me Be Your Hog – They couldn’t afford the song they wanted for a particular scene, so Al wrote this as a bit of filler.
- Fun Zone – An instrumental song used as the theme to Stanley Spadowski’s Clubhouse in the movie.
The second list is the song ranking list:
9. Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters from a Planet near Mars – Pretty much what the title of the song says. Reminds me a lot of the Slime Creatures from Outer Space song from a few albums back.
8. She Drives Like Crazy – Spoof of FYC’s “She Drives Me Crazy,” about how bad a girl drives. Kind of a “meh” song for me, partially because he does such a good job approximating the FYC singing style that it’s not terribly enjoyable.
7. UHF – All about TV, used as the theme song for the movie.
6. Spam -Spoof of REM’s “Stand” that exceeds the original, I feel.
5. The Hot Rocks Polka – I really like this concept: it’s one of Al’s standard polkas, but it only uses Rolling Stones songs. Neat! I’d love to see him do a Beatles polka.
4. Money for Nothing/Beverly Hillbillies – Spoof of, well, “Money for Nothing” by Dire Straits. Al didn’t want to title this track this way but was forced to. It was an odd thing for the label to make him do, but they figured no one would know what song it was based on. Who knows? I’ve heard plenty of stories about how music labels wouldn’t know their heads from a hole in the ground. Anyway, this one’s about the TV show The Beverly Hillbillies, if that wasn’t evident from the title. “That little Clampett got his own cement pond” is just one of many great lines. Fun fact: Mark Knopfler of Dire Straits gave Al permission to use this song on the condition he be allowed to play guitar on it. Al has talked about how it ended up being kind of difficult to get it all worked out, because Knopfler had played the song live so many times that his solos sounded different than the release track, which is what Al was after. I think it ended up okay.
3. Isle Thing – Another TV song! This one about Gilligan’s Island and is just a hoot.
2. Generic Blues – The only blues song you’ll ever need. My wife is a choir/music teacher at a middle school, and she’s in the middle of a series on teaching the blues. I gave her this one to use as an example in class and according to her it meets all the criteria. I figured I did those kids a favor. Apparently B.B. King counts this among his favorites as well. I love that.
1. The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota – This right here is my answer to the question, “What’s your favorite Weird Al song?” It’s a folk song about a family taking a road trip to see the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota (based on an actual thing in Darwin, MN). I love the story of this stereotypical middle-of-the-country family taking this trip, one of a grillion that they’ve taken (fun fact: all the other attractions mentioned in the song are based on real places, too). While this might not be the Al song I’ve listened to the most, it’s still my favorite. My only wish is that he would’ve included an Abe Vigoda/Minnesota rhyme in it somewhere. A missed opportunity, that.
I highly recommend the movie, as it is just silly fun. Al does for movies and TV what he’s been doing for songs, but it isn’t just a series of spoof scenes – there’s an actual plot and everything! Plus, you get to see a pre-Seinfeld Michael Richards doing a proto-Kramer schtick with a lot of fun moments. This movie is easily in my top 20, and might even be top 10, I’d have to think about it.
Tags: Weird Al
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July 5, 2013 Guest Post: In Defense of Spike
Today’s guest writer is Meags, who has written a bunch of stuff for zwolanerd already and is super awesome!
On Buffy the Vampire Slayer, there are two main love interests that woo Buffy at various points throughout the series. (I’ll discuss Riley later.) First is Angel, the brooding, dark, and handsome vampire, cursed with a soul by gypsies at the turn of the century. Second is Spike, the neutered vampire turned champion and saver of the world. Angel and Buffy’s relationship includes many sweeping romantic gestures, where they are viewed as star-crossed lovers and meant to be together for all time. Spike and Buffy, meanwhile, have a violent yet passionate affair. Just based on description alone, Angel seems to be the clear winner here. Yet, I propose that Spike is actually a better choice for Buffy, especially after he regains his soul.
Pre-vampire, Angel was a drunk.
Vampire lore on Buffy isn’t completely watertight, but the general idea is that when a human is turned, they retain all of their memories and most of their personality, yet the human part of them is taken over by a demon. They completely lose their morality, conscience, and any sense of “goodness”. The question of good and evil in Buffy is a large one, and I’ll let much more educated people tackle it. But the personality of the former humana is present in its demon form, and from that you can make a lot of assumptions about the differences between Spike and Angel. Angel, or Liam, was a drunkard, who caroused with women and was a huge disappointment to his family. His inability to keep it together is how he found himself in a dark alley with Darla in the first place.
William the Bloody, or Spike, was a romantic poet. He was turned after he had been spurned by the woman that he loved. He hoped to return his mother to health. He was interested in maintaining meaningful relationships with important women in his life, rather than using them for momentary pleasure.
When soulless, Angel is the bigger threat.
Spike, as a soulless, unhindered demon is nothing to scoff at. He killed two slayers and caused plenty of destruction. However, despite the hunger for human blood, he doesn’t seem to be up for the type of mayhem that Angelus is interested in creating. Not only does he collude with Buffy in order to prevent Angelus from having the Earth sucked into a hell dimension, he also claims that while Druscilla turned him, it was Angelus that made him into a monster. And this is before he has the chip implanted from the Initiative that prevents him from causing any harm to humans. Even after he realizes that the chip no longer works to protect Buffy from his punches, he still does not choose to kill her.
Angelus is absolutely terrifying as a soulless demon. His acts of evil take on a personal quality, where he wants to completely devastate the object of his lust for evil. He stalks Buffy, going into her room at night to leave drawings of her and her mother, leaving her roses, and feeding her sense of paranoia instead of just attacking her while she sleeps and finishing it. His modus operandi is to terrorize his victim and drive them mad before finally killing or turning them.
Angel loves the mission, Spike just loves Buffy.
Even as he first sees her, Angel is enamored with Buffy, and as their relationship progresses, he seems both drawn to her and repelled. Before he knows that a moment of true happiness will reverse the curse, he is still hesitant to pursue the relationship. This seems gallant, but it is actually much more of a patriarchal role. Angel has decided that he knows better, and makes the decisions regarding their relationship. He both chooses to leave Sunnydale despite her pleas for him to stay, and to reverse and undo time in order to lose his humanity and return to being a vampire after a run-in with a particular healing demon. Early on, when Buffy expresses her feelings to him, he tells her that he is too old for her, and they won’t have a fairy tale romance. He does not explain his reasons and wait for a response – he dictates the status of their relationship. He frequently issues commands to her, claiming that he is looking for her safety.
Spike, on the contrary, sees himself as an equal in strength and mind to Buffy. Because he has more feelings for her than she for him, the balance of power in their relationship is clearly in her favor. However, Spike, while fighting alongside the Scoobies beginning in the fifth season, is clear in his true motivations. Despite Buffy’s continual rejection of him, even after they consummate their passion, Spike stays close by.
Angel’s soul is a curse, but Spike sought out his soul.
And finally, the question of how each vampire was ensouled really answers the question in my mind. After an attempted rape, Spike is completely disgusted with himself and his evil nature. He simplistically thinks that the only way to win Buffy back is to “give her what she deserves,” which in a twist during the last moments of the finale of season 6 means that he regains his soul. This has ramifications that Spike doesn’t expect, including the crushing guilt of all the horror he has inflicted, but he chooses this path. Perhaps this is why Angel is more focused on the mission; it is the only way in which he has discovered to control the guilt that he feels. However, instead of working alongside Buffy in the mission against evil, he needs to distance himself from her, regardless of how she feels. Spike lets Buffy make the decision if she will accept him as ensouled and pursue a relationship with him.
Aside from the very important rule that vampires don’t ever make truly ideal mates paired with humans, Buffy’s unique situation makes relationships with human males complicated and difficult. She constantly has to navigate the darkness of her slayerness with her needs as a human female. This is why her relationship with Riley did not work, as they were unable to navigate the darkness of a slayer to Riley’s normalcy, after he was no longer juiced up on enhancement drugs. Perhaps that is why most slayers in Buffyverse lore don’t see past their early twenties; the crushing loneliness invites an early demise.
From the depictions of both Angel and Spike throughout the series, it seems to me that on paper, Angel seems like the better choice, but in actuality, that honor goes to Spike.
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July 4, 2013 Independence Day
Here in the States it’s Independence Day, but that doesn’t mean everybody can’t celebrate with us!
“Good morning. Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world, and you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. Mankind, that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences any more. We will be united in our common interest. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom. Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution, but from annihilation. We’re fighting for our right to live, to exist, and should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice, ‘We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on, we’re going to survive.’ Today we celebrate our independence day!”
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July 3, 2013 Guest Post: Favorite Things: Scene From Life As A House
Today’s guest writer is Wes Molebash, who has done many, many things and is currently knocking it out of the park with [IMG] Insert Image.
My all-time favorite movie is Life As A House.
I can remember the first time I saw the preview for the film in the theater and how intrigued I was. Like a lot of movie previews that intrigue me, I quickly forgot about it until I saw the DVD on a rack at Wal-Mart sometime in the winter of 2002. I snapped it up, watched it that night, and fell in love.
Although the movie’s cast is an excellent ensemble, the film is not widely regarded as “good cinema”. In fact, it currently sits at a 47% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. My friends were equally unimpressed with the movie and I remember being very frustrated by their indifference. Nevertheless, in spite of the lukewarm reviews, my love for the movie didn’t, and hasn’t, waned.
For those unfamiliar, Life As A House is a classic tear-jerker melodrama. It stars Kevin Kline as George, an architect who finds out he has terminal cancer. He quits his job, cashes in his life insurance policy, and recruits his estranged son (played by Hayden Christensen) to help him build his dream house. Along the way, George mends fences with his neighbors (Mary Steenburgen and Jena Malone) and reignites a flame between he and his ex-wife (Kristen Scott Thomas). It’s a great story with awesome character development, and my hope is that you’ll try to find a copy on DVD and watch it for yourself. At this point you’re not expecting much, so you could be in for a very pleasant surprise.
My favorite scene is the one below which takes place near the end of the second act:
- During the first act of the movie, George makes a comment about Robin being “beautiful” when she’s angry. He then tries to touch her cheek, but Robin snaps at his finger right before he can make contact. I love the playful interaction between George and Robin in this scene as Robin finally confronts George about the comment he made earlier. ROBIN: It sounded like a pickup line. GEORGE: I can’t pick you up. ROBIN: I’m married! GEORGE: You bit my finger.
- I love how George relents and confesses his love for Robin who feels she needs to know his true feelings. My favorite line in this entire scene is the one George whispers to Robin in regards to his love for her: “…that I made you doubt it… That is the Great Mistake of a life full of mistakes.” This line resonates with me so powerfully! Life is messy and full of mistakes and self-serving choices. I’ll never be perfect, but if I can avoid the Great Mistake, as George describes it in this scene, I’ll feel like I’ve had a pretty successful life when my time comes.
- Without Mark Isham’s soundtrack, this movie would lose 70% of its emotional appeal. Just listening to the soundtrack by itself makes me tear up from time-to-time. In this scene, we get a nice taste of the simple arrangements Isham uses to tug at our heartstrings and tear ducts.
So that’s my favorite scene from my favorite movie. What can I say? I’m a softie.
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